Why Americans Hate Metaphors

Because they can be way better than what you're trying to compare it to. Author Mischa Defonseca admitted through her lawyers today that her book "Misha: A Memoire of the Holocaust Years" was a like. She didn't live with a pack of wolves to escape the Nazis. She didn't trek 1,900 miles across Europe in search of her deported parents, nor kill a German soldier in self-defense. She's not even Jewish. "This story is mine. It is not actually reality, but my reality, my way of surviving," Defonseca said "I ask forgiveness to all who felt betrayed. I beg you to put yourself in my place, of a 4-year-old girl who was very lost." I see her point. Not getting the toy you want for Christmas is pretty comparable to the Holocaust, and you get a great story out of it! In this case, fiction is stranger than truth.

Win A PS3! But For Real This Time

And all you have to do is predict when Britney Spears is gonna die. I'm giving her another five years, and if she does from getting killed in a botched-kidnap-robbery attempt a la Patty Hearst, then I get a $25 gift card at Target.

Spare The Choke Hold, Spoil The Child

A protest at a high school in Miami "turned rowdy" (CNN's words, not mine) today. The kids were protesting the use of a "choke hold" that the principal used on another student. "I was like 'dude! tap me in!' But that assface principal wouldn't let him get to the ropes!" Said student Tyrone Walker. "Next time I see him, he's getting a chair to the back".