CAMPAIN (sic) 2008 UPDATE!!

Now that the field has narrowed down, we will now be paying attention to the 2008 Presidential Campain (sic) and bring you the updates that you can't get anywhere else!! Though we uphold the high standards of journalism, we also understand the needs of the American time-waster and his hunger for up-to-the-microsecond updates. So, we have decided to bypass things like fact-checking, research, investigating, or anything that adds a laborious "spin" to the raw news that you deserve.

God bless, and semper fi.

The American Culture

This Day in American History

On April 12th, 1945, President Franklin D. Roosevelt dies when German saboteurs plant explosives on his wheelchair. Despite multiple layers of security, and Roosevelt's lethal skill with his reaching stick, (picking off two solders of the Nazi 401st Infantry with a single javelin throw), Nazi SS guard Heinrich Von Stimhauser was able to breach the defenses by disguising himself as a very convincing Eleanor Roosevelt. Later, when Von Stimhauser was on trial at Nuremberg, his testimony gave some insight to the private life of our 32nd president.

"Well, not all of him was paralyzed... and yes I do mean his penis... are you gonna hang me yet?"