Quotes from Great Americans

"Take that! And that! That's right! I'm mashing up your peanut crops, asshole!! I don't care if you're my master, that's what you get for making me drink your pee!! Wait... This actually tastes kinda good."

- George Washington Carver (1864 - 1943)

A Lesson from the American Dialect Handbook: The Word "Shit"

It’s common practice around the world to have two different forms of dialect in everyday usage; Formal and Informal. And like any other culture, there’s a few choice word that are rarely used in Formal speech, and used frequently in Informal speech.

In the US, there is a word used as slang for any function or object(s) relating to defecation. This word is "shit". Like most slang terms, it has many functions, and can be used in any variance the English language has. Here is a quick breakdown of how people in the US use the word "shit".

As a Noun:

shit (singular): “I left a pile of shit on my boss’s keyboard.”

shits (plural): “I couldn’t give two shits about Africa.”

shits (singular): "She must've had something. I go down on the girl, now I have the shits!"

As a Verb:

shit (present): "I need to shit this condom out. I told him Magnums were too big!"

shat (past): "She's just mad because I shat on her baby, bfd."

shit (future): "I'm gonna shit all over that DMV. Why? I dunno."

As an Adjective:

shit: "Look how fucking fat you are, you look like shit! I don't care if you're only 8!"

As An Adverb

shitty: "I don't care if you spent three days on it, it looks shitty! Shut up Mom!"

As a Transitive Verb

shit: "Can I shit in your hair? Why not?! I did the dishes! Am I the only one making sacrifices here?"

In Compound Words

shitface: "Dude, I was so shitfaced, did I fuck that homeless woman?... It was a man? Wow, he had soft skin."

shitfuck: "I finally shitfucked her! Yeah, it was awesome, despite the blood."

bitchshit: "What the fuck is this bitchshit? Global Warming?? Gay."

shittastic: "Why do you keep using 'shittastic'? That's a stupid word."

shitbag: "NO we're not stopping at the gas station! Use the pen you have, you shitbag."

shithole: "I shitfucked that shitbag in her shithole!... Yeah it was bloody... so?"

Conversations in American History #3: The 1984 Presidential Election

Incumbent Ronald Reagan was re-elected in an electoral vote landslide, winning 49 states against challenger Walter Mondale. Even in Minnesota, Mondale won by a mere 3761 votes, meaning Reagan came within less than 3800 votes of a total shut-out. Reagan won a record 525 electoral votes total (of 538 possible), and received nearly 60 percent of the popular vote. Mondale's 13 Electoral College votes (in Minnesota and Dictrict of Columbia) marked the lowest total of any major Presidential candidate since Alf Landon's 1936 loss to Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Mondale's defeat was also the worst for any Democratic Party candidate in U.S. history.

This is the actual transcript from the phone conversation that Reagan and Mondale had shortly after the results were announced.

REAGAN: Whaddap now BITCH!!

MONDALE: Man, why you gotta rub that shit in, yo?

REAGAN: I rubbed your mamma last night, punk!

MONDALE: Muthafucka, I kill you!

REAGAN: You can’t kill shit. You killed yoself wit dat “Equal Rights Amendment” bullshit. Not sayin’ shit about that “Nuclear Freeze” shit as well.

MONDALE: Well your dumb ass is gonna start Nuclear war! I’m surprised your old-ass fingers are strong enough to push any button! Let alone a Nuke-leer one!

REAGAN: They were strong enough to finger yo mamma last night! I didn’t wipe my hands after eatin’ my buffalo wings either! That was one spicy pussy after I got done with her.

MONDALE: Yeah, well I fucked Nancy’s cunt with my ten incher, that bitch cums dust she’s so old!

REAGAN: Now don’t be raggin on my lady, she’s right here, inaugurating my penis in her mouf.

MONDALE: Man, this shit’s fucked.

REAGAN: Just like my lady’s mouf. That’s right, pretend you’re an African and this is a sack of wheat… Oh yeah… That’s it, right there baby… Here it comes baby, Air Force Cum is makin’ it’s landin’ on your tonsils!

The United States: A Photographic History

Quotes from Great Americans

"People say that I got the idea of non-violent protest from Jesus. I actually have a 'being dragged across the floor by white men' fetish. It was hard to cover my boner."

- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

American Role Models

So Paris Hilton is going to jail, lest her legal team and millions don’t save her first. The range of opinions in this country is clearly defined and sharply divided. Raging from “Hang the bitch” to “Goddesses don’t belong in Jail” to “Who are you and why are you asking me this stupid question”. But this brings up a good point; why the fuck do we care?

Answer: Because Paris Hilton is the byproduct of the American Dream.

We care about these people and what goes on in their life because they are walking manifestations of what we want to be, as horrible as that sounds. America was built on two phrases; “Don’t Tread On Me” and “Fuck You, Pay Me”. This is the only country in the world where you can be nothing and become something through hard work, determination, or maniacal backstabbing. Paris Hilton is the reason why Conrad Hilton decided to become a successful businessman and make millions of dollars; she is the byproduct of Conrad’s hard work and backstabbing. We would like to think that if we became obscenely rich, that our kids and kids of kids would never have to work, much less obey laws. So by default, Paris becomes a role model.

This has re-shaped the “American Dream” from “work hard and you can be what you want to be” to “working is hard, who or what can I mooch from to get as much as possible from doing as little as possible”. This is why we have more kids wanting to be pop stars, rap artists, and pro athletes, instead of scientists, engineers, teachers, and other high-work to low-pay ratio jobs. This nation rewards the beautiful and the hustlers, not the virtue of a work ethic.

Can we blame it? Probably. But then we would have to think, and thinking takes too much work. Where’s my ice cream?