Being Picked On, American Style!

If there were ever a more concise manifestation of Darwin’s theory of natural selection, personified in a political philosophy, it would be capitalism.

How does that blowhard sentence relate to the massacre at Virginia Tech? That’s a good question.

In a society that promotes the “survival of the fittest” or “descended from the fittest” mentality, the first order of business is to create a hierarchy within that society, and put people in their places. If you want a high place, you need to put other people down, or pretend to boost them higher to exploit their need for the same positioning scheme while serving your own purpose. (See the “Susan Powers” effect). Anyone can be whatever they want to be, but you have to fight everyone else to get it.

So if this is the society, then the learning grounds for this society would be the school yard, the great equalizer. What better way to learn about the harshness of reality than to have it concentrated into day-by-day warm-up session for life. The hierarchies are in place, the social ladder is stable, and the learning ground continues on. The strong survive and the weak get picked on, that’s the way it has been and will continue to be in such a cut-throat society. It’s needed to train our future adults the harshness of this world, and give them the tools to fight their way to the top.

So when zit-faced pussies bring guns to school to kill innocent people to prove their point, then kill themselves before they even see that point sink in, it shows that some people refuse to let the lessons of life sink in. We are not all created equal, but we can make everyone equal by force. Whether it be through elbow grease and determination, or killing people.

My message to kids currently being picked on: Get the fuck over it. We have all been picked on, you’re no special. The only thing you will change by emulating this practice is the lives of the people you point that gun at. Society will not change for you, you have to change for it, loser.

Conversations in American History #2: The Attack on Pearl Harbor

On the morning of December 7, 1941, planes and midget submarines of the Imperial Japanese Navy began a surprise attack on the U.S. under the command of Vice Admiral Chuichi Nagumo. It has to be remarked that the attack might have been no surprise as vital intelligence information about the imminent attack was not passed to the Navy commander Admiral Husband E. Kimmel and Army commander Walter Short.

However, we have transcripts from the actual moment when President Franklin Roosevelt was notified of the attack while having his breakfast. As you can see, he was quite surprised.



FR: Man, this grapefruit fucking rules!
S: Sir, Japan just attacked our naval base at Pearl Harbor.
FR: The hell? What did they do? Send Ninjas?
S: No sir, they used planes and dropped bombs.
FR: What the fuck? How did those sandal-wearing fish tenders learn how to fly planes? Can they even see out of those eyes??
S: Yes sir, in fact, they took out most of our fleet.
FR: Shit, that sucks. I guess I should stop production on those Ninja star-proof uniforms. Why did they do that?
S: Well, they have teamed up with Germany in starting a world dominance campaign. They felt that the embargoes we imposed on them were a bit too much so they decided to attack.
FR: The fucking Germans again! Didn’t we make them sign the Treaty of Versailles??
S: Well, yes, but they broke it.
FR: Who’s responsible for all this?
S: A man named Adolph Hitler.
FR: The dude with the stupid haircut? Is he still pissed that he didn’t get into art school?
S: Um, maybe sir.
FR: Fucking hell, now we have to go to war again, and that mustache makes him look like a fag.

Conversations in American History #1: Crossing the Deleware

On December 25, 1776, General George Washington and a small army of 2,400 men crossed the Delaware River at McKonkey's Ferry, Pennsylvania on their way to attack a Hessian Garrison of about 900 in Trenton, New Jersey. The crossing, made during a time when morale was at its lowest point during the American Revolution, renewed hope among the Continental Army, Congress and the general population. This is an actual conversation had by George Washington and one of the soldiers on the boat.

GW: Fuck, it's cold out here.
S: Sir, we're almost at the New Jersey shore.
GW: Great! Don't shoot until you see the whites of their eyes! Haha, I'm so glad I came up with that.
S: Actually, it was William Prescott --
GW: SO... Let's have a contest. For every redcoat you kill, you get the NEW dollar with my picture on it.
S: Actually, sir, I don't have shoes.
GW: Why do you have to steal my thunder? Fuck. Where's that historian? Nix that part. And uh... Say that the British loved to shit on babies.

Don Imus: 1) Is He A Racist? 2) Um... Who Is He?

There was a time in the United States where the issue of racism was as black and white as the skin colors we separated drinking fountains over. The idea of being a "racist" was clearly defined; If your thoughts and beliefs coincided with the sociological mandate of the time, which was mainly based on the "Black People Will Rape Your Daughter's Fluffy White Pussy" Docturne and the book "Black People: And The Other Great Apes", then you were considered a racist.

But the lines have blurred. Racism went from it's formerly accepted definition; "The discrimination of people based upon their race", to it's current definition; "We feel mad that you pointed out something about our race that might or might not be true but since it's something about our race we're just gonna call you a racist and demand that you be fired because since people these days aren't really racist anymore we kinda get bored and need something to pick on to keep our careers". As is with the case with radio talk show host (and the way I can tell if I've been up too late since he comes on at five in the morning on MSNBC) Don Imus.

"That's some rough girls from Rutgers," Imus said. "Man, they got tattoos ... ."

"Some hardcore hos," McGuirk said.

"That's some nappy-headed hos there, I'm going to tell you that," Imus said.

Scanning through the butchered remains of the English language, we can see that the context of this comment isn't unlike most of the dialog going on between two rubes anywhere in this country. And the statement can fit with any group of girls that are promiscuous and have very unkempt hair, (Much like Imus himself). Slutty white girls with dreadlocks would work. So does that make it a racist comment? Being that not all black women have nappy hair, does it really necessitate a protest by Jessie Jackson?

Well, apparently so.

With such a mix of people in our society, some people take EVERYTHING seriously, and some people will exploit the people that take everything seriously for their own gain. Trumping up something as harmless as this comment into the very thing that will tear apart society. It's lame, but the definition of words are mandated by the people who use them. That's Democracy for ya ;)

The American Dream

Getting paid to do nothing, all you have to do is film yourself doing it... This is why our boys are fighting in Iraq. Viva la liberty.

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Today on CNN.com

You can really get a great insight on a culture by the news that it reports. This is a screenshot of today's CNN.com headlines. And yes, I did say "headlines"... as in the top stories of the day. In a country of 300 million people, and a world of about 6 billion, you would think that in the course of about 24 hours, SOMETHING more interesting than any of this would happen. However, "interesting" is in the eye of the beholder.

The stories, sadly, in chronological order.

1) The Freed Britons:
Oh the British. Once the mightiest empire the world has ever known, with the greatest navy any country has ever produced. I have a question, don't they have guns on their ships anymore?? "Oh, there's an Iranian vessel coming over here. Get on aboard your ship? Well, I don't want to be a ninny so I think we better follow what they say. Ooo! They have scones!". I'm glad they're back, and this IS a legitimate story, but I'm not even gonna read this article. I'll wait for the made-for-tv-movie starting Mark Harmon.

2) The Man Who Fled is Caught:
Okay okay, this one is good, and is in the right spot. But it still has the ADD undertones that our news loves. Bank robbery, shootout, fugitive, and the such. I'm sure one of the pursuing agents was fucking the fugitives wife, or something. *Takes a taste out of the article pot* Needs more pussy.

3) Insurgents Something Something:
A Time editorial from some white guy wearing bad khaki safari gear in the middle of that sand pit we've been shooting up, talking like he knows something about terrorists organizations that wold behead him at the first sight of his incarnadine forehead. I'm over it.

4) Dad Tells Neighbor That Said Boy Shot His Daughter:
This is a good #4 story, it really hits home. Man... I would be PISSED if some asshole shot MY daughter. I should click on this horribly vague and moronically narrative headline to see if there's yet another threat to my kids that I could obsess about while she scarfs down her bucket of cake frosting and complains about how she can't touch her right shoulder with her right arm due to her arm fat. Semper Fun!

5) Kid Shrink Pokes Boy's... Shrink:
I got one word that will solve our child molester problems... Midgets! They look like kids, yet your penis will fit in them! Man, I should be President or something.

6) Attack of the Killler Stoves!:
Ooo! And it's a video! I wonder if one of them eats a naked woman... Factory defect?? Pfft. That's lame. The headline says "killer"! There must be at least 50 people that have... ONE PERSON??? Matthew Broderick has killed one person! This storys' gay.

7) Christian blah blah
Once again, Don't care.

8) Hospital Dials 911
Didn't we just have an "it could happen to me" story? What the fuck? What about a good story already!! Like a ship filled with Cocaine coming into --

9) Ship Stuffed With Cocaine; 15 Tons Worth:
... Ah. I feel better.

10) Hef Says He Not The Daddy:
Wow, I can sleep now. I was really worried that Danielynnshapoo, or whatever the fuck her drugged up mom named her, was the offspring of Hugh Hefner... What?... AIDS crisis in Africa?... Pfft, I bought my (red) shirt from the Gap, tell them to get off the jock already.

11) "Sopranos" Ready For It's Final Whacks:
hahahahahahhahahaahahahhaha...... Oh wait... That headline isn't funny...

12) Dyed Baby Chicken Gets Pecked To Death:
I'm confused... Is this a "It could happen to me" story? I don't have baby chickens... And this is a video story? I thought the animal relief stories are supposed to be heart warming. Where's that water skiing squirrel?

So out of 12 stories, only 3 were actual news items, 1 editorial no one cared about, 4"It could happen to me" stories to feed paranoia, 2 entertainment pieces, 1 animal story that doesn't make any sense, and 1 story about sweetener companies suing each other that was so stupid that I didn't even include it on the list. But... at the very end... in a place that has it's own picture... 5th graders have sex in front of other kids.

God bless America... Because it really needs it.

Essay #1: Why Americans Are Fat

As everything else in our lives, America's obesity problem stems from history, and the Newtonian principle that "any action has an opposite and equal reaction". That action was the Great Depression.

"What the fuck this bullshit you say?" You might ponder while scarfing down a hand full of Cheese-Its, but it is true. The idea of what influences us the most, parents vs. environment, is a long lasting debate, but anyone would agree that eating habits come from our parents. Being that we had no way of accessing food on our own accord for most of our childhood. Unless you grew up with wolves, then you wouldn't be fat... or have a computer to read this... or would be dead.

Alas, our eating habits come from our parents. When you grow up eating half a cow and washing it down with a bathtub-sized soft drink, you will tend to follow this pattern well into your life. That is, until you die of heart disease, or the gout. But where did your parents get their eating habits? Your grandparents? Precisely. And where did they get their eating habits? Yugoslavia? Close, but mostly from your great-grandparents.

Back in the day, as in October 29, 1929, the stock market crashed and everyone lost everything. Unemployment soared, and people became homeless and hungry. In this state, humans tend to refer to animalistic tendencies for survival, eating bugs, pigeons, and to a lesser extent the Irish. However the one main tendency is to horde food, for anticipation of long stretches of famine. After the "Fuck Hoover's Mom" act (later changed to the "New Deal"), Food became plentiful, but the impression it left on our social well-being was permanent.

From then on, mother across the country coined the phrases "not until you clean your plate" and "Only 27 ounces of steak? That's pussy shit!" The new scare among the masses was hunger, and they were hell bent on never letting their children go hungry. Wasting food became a punishable offense, as was being skinny. Any mother in the kitchen would look at a healthy boy, and due to the social scarring of the great depression would see an image of comparative to a holocaust survivor. "So what if you just had dinner, you're skin and bones!! Eat this roast, and cover it in this chocolate frosting".

Well this is where the "reaction" starts. As the generations passed, these parental habits were passed from child to child, to the point where simple notions of eating habits became larger and larger. Even though you only spent $10 on a mean at Chili's, if it wasn't at least six pounds of food, you feel like you were ripped off. If you don't get a little chunk of stomach acid in your throat when you cough, then you didn't eat enough. Sizes got bigger, kids ate everything, and the clincher was when food started to become an inconvenience in today's fast paced society. All of a sudden "cooking" was equal to "scrubbing grout with toothbrush". In came fast food, and thus was the final nail in the coffin of America's gene pool.

"Well now that I know WHY I'm fat, why don't you say something constructive, asshole", you remark through a mouthful of cake sprinkles. The solution to this is to change society, and by that I mean starting with the kids. Teach them about the value of wasting food, going to bed hungry, and that being fat is next to being Hitler. Withhold food as a punishment. "You want to eat in the month of May? You better get me a beer", and use what scientist call the "best tactic for a slimmer America", a healthy dose of self-deprecation. "You're gonna wear that with those thighs?... I don't care if you're only six, fatty fat fat." In the long run, your kids will thank you.

Welcome

I know this is probably not going to be read by very many people, but I'm gonna pull a Babe Ruth and say that in the future, tons of people are gonna read this and say "he really didn't have anything to start of this blog. He was probably in his underwear watching 'King King' and full of Fruity Pebbles when he wrote this". To which I would reply, "that's fucking creepy" then proceed to look for cameras in my house.

Keep coming back, because I'm a guy who likes to rant, and I think I'm pretty damn funny when I do it.