You can really get a great insight on a culture by the news that it reports. This is a screenshot of today's CNN.com headlines. And yes, I did say "headlines"... as in the top stories of the day. In a country of 300 million people, and a world of about 6 billion, you would think that in the course of about 24 hours, SOMETHING more interesting than any of this would happen. However, "interesting" is in the eye of the beholder.
The stories, sadly, in chronological order.
1) The Freed Britons:
Oh the British. Once the mightiest empire the world has ever known, with the greatest navy any country has ever produced. I have a question, don't they have guns on their ships anymore?? "Oh, there's an Iranian vessel coming over here. Get on aboard your ship? Well, I don't want to be a ninny so I think we better follow what they say. Ooo! They have scones!". I'm glad they're back, and this IS a legitimate story, but I'm not even gonna read this article. I'll wait for the made-for-tv-movie starting Mark Harmon.
2) The Man Who Fled is Caught:
Okay okay, this one is good, and is in the right spot. But it still has the ADD undertones that our news loves. Bank robbery, shootout, fugitive, and the such. I'm sure one of the pursuing agents was fucking the fugitives wife, or something. *Takes a taste out of the article pot* Needs more pussy.
3) Insurgents Something Something:
A Time editorial from some white guy wearing bad khaki safari gear in the middle of that sand pit we've been shooting up, talking like he knows something about terrorists organizations that wold behead him at the first sight of his incarnadine forehead. I'm over it.
4) Dad Tells Neighbor That Said Boy Shot His Daughter:
This is a good #4 story, it really hits home. Man... I would be PISSED if some asshole shot MY daughter. I should click on this horribly vague and moronically narrative headline to see if there's yet another threat to my kids that I could obsess about while she scarfs down her bucket of cake frosting and complains about how she can't touch her right shoulder with her right arm due to her arm fat. Semper Fun!
5) Kid Shrink Pokes Boy's... Shrink:
I got one word that will solve our child molester problems... Midgets! They look like kids, yet your penis will fit in them! Man, I should be President or something.
6) Attack of the Killler Stoves!:
Ooo! And it's a video! I wonder if one of them eats a naked woman... Factory defect?? Pfft. That's lame. The headline says "killer"! There must be at least 50 people that have... ONE PERSON??? Matthew Broderick has killed one person! This storys' gay.
7) Christian blah blah
Once again, Don't care.
8) Hospital Dials 911
Didn't we just have an "it could happen to me" story? What the fuck? What about a good story already!! Like a ship filled with Cocaine coming into --
9) Ship Stuffed With Cocaine; 15 Tons Worth:
... Ah. I feel better.
10) Hef Says He Not The Daddy:
Wow, I can sleep now. I was really worried that Danielynnshapoo, or whatever the fuck her drugged up mom named her, was the offspring of Hugh Hefner... What?... AIDS crisis in Africa?... Pfft, I bought my (red) shirt from the Gap, tell them to get off the jock already.
11) "Sopranos" Ready For It's Final Whacks:
hahahahahahhahahaahahahhaha...... Oh wait... That headline isn't funny...
12) Dyed Baby Chicken Gets Pecked To Death:
I'm confused... Is this a "It could happen to me" story? I don't have baby chickens... And this is a video story? I thought the animal relief stories are supposed to be heart warming. Where's that water skiing squirrel?
So out of 12 stories, only 3 were actual news items, 1 editorial no one cared about, 4"It could happen to me" stories to feed paranoia, 2 entertainment pieces, 1 animal story that doesn't make any sense, and 1 story about sweetener companies suing each other that was so stupid that I didn't even include it on the list. But... at the very end... in a place that has it's own picture... 5th graders have sex in front of other kids.
God bless America... Because it really needs it.
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