Essay #1: Why Americans Are Fat

As everything else in our lives, America's obesity problem stems from history, and the Newtonian principle that "any action has an opposite and equal reaction". That action was the Great Depression.

"What the fuck this bullshit you say?" You might ponder while scarfing down a hand full of Cheese-Its, but it is true. The idea of what influences us the most, parents vs. environment, is a long lasting debate, but anyone would agree that eating habits come from our parents. Being that we had no way of accessing food on our own accord for most of our childhood. Unless you grew up with wolves, then you wouldn't be fat... or have a computer to read this... or would be dead.

Alas, our eating habits come from our parents. When you grow up eating half a cow and washing it down with a bathtub-sized soft drink, you will tend to follow this pattern well into your life. That is, until you die of heart disease, or the gout. But where did your parents get their eating habits? Your grandparents? Precisely. And where did they get their eating habits? Yugoslavia? Close, but mostly from your great-grandparents.

Back in the day, as in October 29, 1929, the stock market crashed and everyone lost everything. Unemployment soared, and people became homeless and hungry. In this state, humans tend to refer to animalistic tendencies for survival, eating bugs, pigeons, and to a lesser extent the Irish. However the one main tendency is to horde food, for anticipation of long stretches of famine. After the "Fuck Hoover's Mom" act (later changed to the "New Deal"), Food became plentiful, but the impression it left on our social well-being was permanent.

From then on, mother across the country coined the phrases "not until you clean your plate" and "Only 27 ounces of steak? That's pussy shit!" The new scare among the masses was hunger, and they were hell bent on never letting their children go hungry. Wasting food became a punishable offense, as was being skinny. Any mother in the kitchen would look at a healthy boy, and due to the social scarring of the great depression would see an image of comparative to a holocaust survivor. "So what if you just had dinner, you're skin and bones!! Eat this roast, and cover it in this chocolate frosting".

Well this is where the "reaction" starts. As the generations passed, these parental habits were passed from child to child, to the point where simple notions of eating habits became larger and larger. Even though you only spent $10 on a mean at Chili's, if it wasn't at least six pounds of food, you feel like you were ripped off. If you don't get a little chunk of stomach acid in your throat when you cough, then you didn't eat enough. Sizes got bigger, kids ate everything, and the clincher was when food started to become an inconvenience in today's fast paced society. All of a sudden "cooking" was equal to "scrubbing grout with toothbrush". In came fast food, and thus was the final nail in the coffin of America's gene pool.

"Well now that I know WHY I'm fat, why don't you say something constructive, asshole", you remark through a mouthful of cake sprinkles. The solution to this is to change society, and by that I mean starting with the kids. Teach them about the value of wasting food, going to bed hungry, and that being fat is next to being Hitler. Withhold food as a punishment. "You want to eat in the month of May? You better get me a beer", and use what scientist call the "best tactic for a slimmer America", a healthy dose of self-deprecation. "You're gonna wear that with those thighs?... I don't care if you're only six, fatty fat fat." In the long run, your kids will thank you.