iPhone Is Released Today

People camped out for days in front of Apple and AT&T stores waiting for the release of the much anticipated iPhone. Will the device live up to the hype? I was lucky enough to receive one from Apple to review on The American Culture, and so far, this thing fucking sucks.

Yeah, it's an iPod. Yeah, it's a phone, blah fucking blah. I have an iPod and a phone, now I save 6.5 ounces of extra weight I have to carry around. Back problems solved!

The touch screen is supposed to be as scratch resistant as Apple can make it, but apparently it can't withstand a belt sander. One swipe of a Makita sander with pussy ass 180 grit sand paper and that screen got as foggy as a cataract. And don't try to go underwater with it! As a cliff-diving enthusiast, I sometimes have to take a call while swimming back up from 20-40 feet of water. I took a call from my girlfriend while 30 feet under off the coast of Sri Lanka, and boom, it just turned off. That's fucking gay.

Other things the iPhone is no good at:

- Hammering nails into drywall. While it's simple shape and flat metal surface would lead you to believe that you could get that den drywalled, alas, it is a farce. Lacking the weight and structural integrity of a good hammering device... like a hammer... the iPhone just falls apart upon impact.
- Infiltrating a small Central American Embassy. I needed to get some [censored] from the [censored] so I thought the iPhone, with it's camera and e-mail abilities, would be perfect for the job. Giving it a head start, I chucked it as hard as I can at the Honduran Embassy. Result: It hit the wall and broke.
- Child Rearing. Though it can play movies, keeping children at bay, once the movie is over then the child becomes disinterested and gets into trouble. And some of the built-in lessons that Apple provides still have some bugs in it. Like telling kids to drink bleach. Though, if you freeze the iPhone, it makes for a good teething device.

Overall, this might as well be a $600 brick. I suggest doing what ever other nerd is doing; Pass the time waiting for the second generation by masturbating to Hentai.

Paris Hilton Does Larry King

And it was really boring... the interview that is. Larry bumped Michael Moore to do the first Paris interview since getting out of jail, so at least we know where CNN's priorities lie.

"You Want Documents? I Can Answer You With One Finger"

The Bush administration has just rejected the subpoena from congress, and will refuse to hand over documents relating to the firing of U.S. Attorneys. Citing executive privilege, the president also cited the "Go Fuck Yourself" clause entered into the constitution by Teddy Roosevelt back in 1902.

September 11th: 5 Years, 9 Months, 16 Days, 4 Hours, 20 Minuets, and Something Seconds Later

What have we learned? An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind? Two wrongs don't make a right? Ends justify the means?

Not really.

Will we ever learn that?

Pfft, no, that's gay.



That's my tribute. United we stand, divided we... something.

DRC

Rosie's Iraq Solution!

Rosie O'Donnel has a solution to the war in Iraq... Send in children! They'll be too cute to kill.

The super anti-gun advocate dressed up her daughter as a "solider", with a bullet belt and a head scarf, causing an outrage (and by that I don't mean "Out Rage" the gay bar in West Hollywood) among parents and terrorists alike. "That scarf is the color of the Al-Hassam Shiite Milita in the Al Anbar Provence! They once looked at my great-great grandfather crossed-eyed, and I'm out for their blood! But I like the bullet belt, nice touch." Stated a local Iraqi terrorist.

NASA To Open Up Space Station

"If all goes as planned, part of the international space station will host research experiments from outsiders after it's completed in three years, NASA officials said Monday."

A poll was taken on what should be studied on the station, here are the results:

"How far will male ejaculate travel in zero gravity?" (65%)
"If you can see god, and if you will subsequently die like the Bible says." (34.9%)
"Research on biology and other relevant space-travel topics." (.01%)

Americans Don't Fail, We Just Win Very Slowly

Edison said, "I didn't fail, I just found a thousand ways that didn't work". Some people need to heed this.

Members of the GOP are now echoing the polls about the war in Iraq and are speaking out against it. Sen. Dick Lugar and Sen. George Voinovich have now did an about-face on the issue of the war, and many other Republicans are starting to crack under public pressure.

I say they're quitters! When things were bad during our Revolution, or the Civil War, did we quit?? NO! We pushed forth, killing thousands, and ended up winning. A tatic later used in the later part of WWII when Hitler was sending women, children, and the elderly to fight in incoming Soviet advance on Berlin. Bad example, but that's because he didn't do it right... So... If Bush fails he should kill himself.

The United States: A Photographic History

All Day News Coverage Of Paris Getting Out Of Jail?

No where to be found. Wooow, could this be the beginning of the end?

Oh wait, a pro wrestler Chris Benoit strangled his wife and smothered his son before hanging himself... The orbit of the Earth is back to normal.

This Day in American History

Poking each other in the butt is now protected by the Constitution!

On June 26th, 2003, the US Supreme Court ruled in a 6-3 vote that two men that were caught in the act of sodomy after a Sheriffs Deputy had barged in for a weapons disturbance call. They were arrested under Texas state law for the act of sodomy, pleaded no contest, then appealed to the Texas supreme court calling the law unconstitutional because it only bans homosexual sodomy, not heterosexual . A medical technologist John Geddes Lawrence, then 60, and street-stand barbecue vendor Tyron Garner, then 36, took the case all the way up to the supreme court and won.

The case was a slam dunk, and all the non-asshole justices voted for it, including the justice that loooves it in the ass, Sandra Day O'Connor. "As long as they use lube and condoms, people should be able to do whatever they want in their own estate, I mean, apartment." Justice Stephen Breyer said in his opinion. The three men with the largest assholes, ironically, voted against the challenge. Clarence Thomas even called it silly, but not against the constitution, and Antonin Scalia said "If we make it legal, then it's not fun anymore! Don't you guys get it?"

Oh yes, some of us do get it.... Eww! That was gross.

Quotes from Great Americans

"Man, I wanna get fucked!"

-Helen Keller (1880-1968)

"Bong Hits 4 Jesus"? He Likes Joints Better

The Supreme Court ruled today that the kid that made this banner should have been suspended from his high school and his right to free speech was not impeded. Chief Justice John Roberts wrote "It was reasonable for (the principal) to conclude that the banner promoted illegal drug use-- and that failing to act would send a powerful message to the students in her charge."

Although this is an isolated case, this is a great example of our culture. Through out our history, the idea of "don't tread on me" has taken many forms, and continues to be the basis of our motivations as Americans. Joseph Frederick, the student that put up this banner, is not only testing his rights on free speech, but on his right to sue, make nonsense statements, be an asshole, and his right to not admit he was wrong. All traits of great Americans.

And BTW, Jesus was a total hippie. He would have taken them up on that.

This Day in American History

"On June 24th, 1976, the Missouri Governor Christopher S. Bond issues an executive order rescinding the 'Extermination Order', formally apologizing on behalf of the state of Missouri for the suffering it had caused the Latter Day Saints."

"The order was originally named 'Missouri Executive Order 44' by Missouri governor Lilburn Boggs on October 27, 1838. The order was in response to what Boggs termed 'open and avowed defiance of the laws, and of having made war upon the people of this State... the Mormons must be treated as enemies, and must be exterminated or driven from the State if necessary for the public peace—their outrages are beyond all description.'"

Oh, I chose the wrong picture.

Hijacked! Religion is being held against it's will!

"Sen. Barack Obama told a church convention Saturday that some right-wing evangelical leaders have exploited and politicized religious beliefs in an effort to sow division."

What? Nooooo. You mean that the most divided religion on the face of the planet is being more divided? And some people are using the name of god for their own personal gain? The heck you say.

Obama: Prophet? No. Capitan Obvious? Yes.

BTW, if your last name is "Obama", which sounds like "Osama", and your first name is "Barack" which sounds like "barrack", like the Marine barracks that got blown up in Lebanon back in the 80's, (and it also sounds like "Baraka", the guy with the scissor arms in Mortal Kombat), you really shouldn't be making analogies to terrorist acts. This tactic worked against Rep. Harvey D. Allahwillfuckyouup, (R - Ohio), when he compared his opponent to a "really bad bombing plot that I... I mean... A terrorist failed to complete and had to live in shame for the rest of his life".

Perez Hilton Pulled!... For Awhile At Least

For the crime of using pictures without paying for them on celeb blog site perezhilton.com.

For shame, Perez! Those hard working paparazzi have to eat their gruel somehow! Even ghouls need a roof over their horns and a nice log to perch on. We must use pictures appropriately and within the perimeters of the law.

... Ahem....

Quotes from Great Americans

"Hey Nancy, what are you doing next week?... Africa? With all those creepy kids who always have flies sucking the juice from their eyes? I need you to go on 'Different Strokes' and tell the kids that drugs are bad... Well fuck you then!"

- Ronald Wilson Reagan (1911 - 2004)

The United States: A Photographic History Part 2

This Day in American Deaths

Possibly the most revered dog in upper-middle class Americana, Moose, the dog from the hit show "Frasier", died on this day in 2002. In researching this, I also found that there were some other Americans that have died on this day. Like Ann Landers, Darryl Kile, and Fred Astaire... But the dog was way more famous than any of them.

Quotes from Great Americans

"You know, there's something missing from this, I can't put my finger on it... Sodomy! That's right! That's should be a god given right. Because if there's one thing I like besides a good zap from a bolt of lightning, it's some anal fisting action!... What?... Well fuck it then! I'm not signing it."

-Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

This Day in American History

On June 22nd, 2002, an earthquake in western Iran measuring 6.5 on the Richter scale kills more than 261 people.

I know this isn't American history, but... BAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!