iPhone Is Released Today

People camped out for days in front of Apple and AT&T stores waiting for the release of the much anticipated iPhone. Will the device live up to the hype? I was lucky enough to receive one from Apple to review on The American Culture, and so far, this thing fucking sucks.

Yeah, it's an iPod. Yeah, it's a phone, blah fucking blah. I have an iPod and a phone, now I save 6.5 ounces of extra weight I have to carry around. Back problems solved!

The touch screen is supposed to be as scratch resistant as Apple can make it, but apparently it can't withstand a belt sander. One swipe of a Makita sander with pussy ass 180 grit sand paper and that screen got as foggy as a cataract. And don't try to go underwater with it! As a cliff-diving enthusiast, I sometimes have to take a call while swimming back up from 20-40 feet of water. I took a call from my girlfriend while 30 feet under off the coast of Sri Lanka, and boom, it just turned off. That's fucking gay.

Other things the iPhone is no good at:

- Hammering nails into drywall. While it's simple shape and flat metal surface would lead you to believe that you could get that den drywalled, alas, it is a farce. Lacking the weight and structural integrity of a good hammering device... like a hammer... the iPhone just falls apart upon impact.
- Infiltrating a small Central American Embassy. I needed to get some [censored] from the [censored] so I thought the iPhone, with it's camera and e-mail abilities, would be perfect for the job. Giving it a head start, I chucked it as hard as I can at the Honduran Embassy. Result: It hit the wall and broke.
- Child Rearing. Though it can play movies, keeping children at bay, once the movie is over then the child becomes disinterested and gets into trouble. And some of the built-in lessons that Apple provides still have some bugs in it. Like telling kids to drink bleach. Though, if you freeze the iPhone, it makes for a good teething device.

Overall, this might as well be a $600 brick. I suggest doing what ever other nerd is doing; Pass the time waiting for the second generation by masturbating to Hentai.