The Bible - Philosophy, History, And Economics Rolled Into One!

From giving guidance to life's problems, to serving as an absolute account of historical events, the Bible has been used for many things, but in this time of economic crisis some are using the Bible for something else... Economic advice.

"Remember when I got all pissed about people selling shit in my father's house?" Jesus said in a statement earlier today. "Well, I was just mad because they were selling stupid crap like dates and woven snake baskets and shit. I say start selling stuff at churches. The foot traffic is great, and people there will think exactly like you, so selling stuff to them should be easy. Now go get me a turkey sandwich."

What Will The Neo-Cons Do Now?

With a devastating defeat slapping them across the face, conservatives across the country are constantly re-assuring themselves that their ideas still work. "It was the Democrats and the Terrorists fault!" Screams former Senator of Pennsylvania Rick Santorum. "Conservative economics work if you give them time and don't challenge them in any way and if you're rich. But noooo, some banks fuck it up for all of us and next thing you know we're out of a job."

Most conservatives have re-grouped to the GOP headquarters, Castle Grayskull, to formulate a new batch of morality-based non-issues to complain about. "Gun control, abortion, creationism, gay marriage, these things aren't working anymore" said the Republican Chairman of Complaining Bill Frist. "We need to order up a new batch of issues that no one knows is an issue until we tell them how to think about them and that they will tear the country apart if they disagree with us". One of the new issues that will be looked at is "Raising the Dead". "Liberals are already for cloning humans, raising the dead is not too far off." Frist continued while eating the liver of a Somilian boy. "Do you want a whole bunch of tree-hugging zombie hippies roaming around voting Democrat and turning your son gay? Then vote GOP in 2012!"

The American Culture Congradulates America's First Half-White President!

In a landslide-esque victory, Barack Obama beat John McCain to become this nations first half-white president of the United States.

Kudos to you Barack!

Yes I've Been Lazy

But there's way too much stuff that I'm missing. So it's time for me to get off my fat can and do this again....

Campain (sic) 2008 - No, Really, It's About The Issues!

After the announcement of Sarah Palin's intention to go from "MILF" to "VPILF", women everywhere are holding steadfast to the idea of choosing a candidate based on their ideology, principles, and their ability to lead. But John McCain countered that idea in an interview shortly after his speech at the Republican National Convention. "You really think those vaginas are gonna vote for a black president over a female vice president?" He said while recieveing his nightly sponge bath. "They're still pissed that blacks got to vote before they did, and they're still suffering from segreation! I mean, bathrooms are still seperated beteen men and women".

Many black republicans are carrying the notion of holding true to their party, however some are racking their brains on who to vote for. "I really like what McCain has said about political reform, securing our borders, and bringing the US back to it's conservative roots", says Tyrone Gibson, a 44 year old lawyer from Ohio. "But Barack Obama is black... So you see the quandry I'm in".

CAMPAIN (sic) 2008 UPDATE!!

Now that the field has narrowed down, we will now be paying attention to the 2008 Presidential Campain (sic) and bring you the updates that you can't get anywhere else!! Though we uphold the high standards of journalism, we also understand the needs of the American time-waster and his hunger for up-to-the-microsecond updates. So, we have decided to bypass things like fact-checking, research, investigating, or anything that adds a laborious "spin" to the raw news that you deserve.

God bless, and semper fi.

The American Culture

This Day in American History

On April 12th, 1945, President Franklin D. Roosevelt dies when German saboteurs plant explosives on his wheelchair. Despite multiple layers of security, and Roosevelt's lethal skill with his reaching stick, (picking off two solders of the Nazi 401st Infantry with a single javelin throw), Nazi SS guard Heinrich Von Stimhauser was able to breach the defenses by disguising himself as a very convincing Eleanor Roosevelt. Later, when Von Stimhauser was on trial at Nuremberg, his testimony gave some insight to the private life of our 32nd president.

"Well, not all of him was paralyzed... and yes I do mean his penis... are you gonna hang me yet?"

Child Takes American Foreign Policy Literally

I don't think I need to say much more...

Why Do The Hot Ones Have To Die?

Another college girl was shot and killed today. Though a terrible tragedy for any family to go through, the real victims are the American people. "The hot gene is being bred out of the American gene pool", says Harvard geneticists Alfred Davis. "Hot people will only breed with other hot people, and the more we lose, the less hot people we have. Today marked a disturbing trend in killings where young, hot, baby-less women are being selected in a fiendish attempt to promote breeding with less-than-attractive people, or "mud-people' as we like to call them". Dr. Davis later went on to reiterate the lessor-known aspect of Darwin's Evolution theory called the "Aesthetic-Selection Theory". Where Darwin states; "ugly bitches fight for the cock more than that hot ones, because no one wants to fuck a rank pussy".

No One Likes Americans!

Says Iranian president and Asshole-in-Chief Mahmud Almadalalawooblehhhh. "We believe that the forces which crossed oceans and thousands of kilometers to come to this region should leave this region and hand over the affairs to the peoples and government of this region," Ahmadinejad said after taking a tour of Iraq. He then went on to say, "Yeah... You should leave! And we'll help with the rebuilding process here. It'll be cool. In fact, we'll just call this 'Iran Jr.' for right now. They love us here anyway! Despite the war we had that lasted 8 years. It's blood under the bridge -- I mean water... yes, water".

Why Americans Hate Metaphors

Because they can be way better than what you're trying to compare it to. Author Mischa Defonseca admitted through her lawyers today that her book "Misha: A Memoire of the Holocaust Years" was a like. She didn't live with a pack of wolves to escape the Nazis. She didn't trek 1,900 miles across Europe in search of her deported parents, nor kill a German soldier in self-defense. She's not even Jewish. "This story is mine. It is not actually reality, but my reality, my way of surviving," Defonseca said "I ask forgiveness to all who felt betrayed. I beg you to put yourself in my place, of a 4-year-old girl who was very lost." I see her point. Not getting the toy you want for Christmas is pretty comparable to the Holocaust, and you get a great story out of it! In this case, fiction is stranger than truth.

Win A PS3! But For Real This Time

And all you have to do is predict when Britney Spears is gonna die. I'm giving her another five years, and if she does from getting killed in a botched-kidnap-robbery attempt a la Patty Hearst, then I get a $25 gift card at Target.

Spare The Choke Hold, Spoil The Child

A protest at a high school in Miami "turned rowdy" (CNN's words, not mine) today. The kids were protesting the use of a "choke hold" that the principal used on another student. "I was like 'dude! tap me in!' But that assface principal wouldn't let him get to the ropes!" Said student Tyrone Walker. "Next time I see him, he's getting a chair to the back".

They'll Get Used To It, Just Give Em' Time

"Pakistan's former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto was assassinated Thursday after addressing a large gathering of her supporters. Bhutto died of a gunshot wound to the neck, the Pakistani Interior Ministry said. The attacker then blew himself up. The bomb attack killed at least 22 others, doctors said."

Some nay sayers might say that this is a sign that the middle east isn't fit for Democracy and we're wasting valuable resources and undermining our own national security by installing Democracy in Iraq and Afghanistan. To them I say "you only fail if you give up"... well... that's what Napoleon said too, but whatever.

More Loss Of Great American Lives

And we're not talking about Iraq...

Kevin DuBrow, lead singer of the band Quiet Riot, died on November 25, 2007. Promoting a tactile version of synesthesia with the hit song "Cum On Feel The Noize" back in 1983, Kevin was found dead in his Las Vegas home. Pending an autopsy, police speculate that he did, in fact, have his "cock out".

Casey Calvert, guitarist for emo-punk-goth-screamo-folk-gospel band Hawthorne Heights, died on November 24, 2007. Not really knowing who Hawthorne Heights were, MTV reverted to interviewing a more-popular friend of Casey's, Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz. "Uh, yeah, that sucks man. I was flat-ironing my hair when I heard and I remember when me and him were like, doing stuff and I was like 'dude, who are you again?' I didn't wanna sound like a dick but... yeah. Did you see me modeling for Dolce? I was hot".

Dr. James Robert Cade died today at the all too tragic age of 80. Dr. Cade was the inventor of Gatorade, and the sports world is turned upside down. "This is worse than the death of Vin Scully", stated newly contracted slugger Alex Rodriguez. "Wait, he's still alive? Eww".

And yet, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan... Still alive. Yes, this is proof that there is no god.

Maybe Violent Video Games Are Good For Kids

Well, at least for a girl in Tucker GA. "Two men tried to kidnap the girl near Tucker Middle School Monday night, police said.The 14-year-old was on her way home from dance practice when a black van pulled up, and the men tried to grab her, Police said, adding that the girl got away when she stabbed one of the men in the arm with a pencil. The girl was not seriously hurt, police said."

Of course, the right to do was to just let the men kidnap you and take you to a far away place and have their way with you so that maybe you could either escape and write a tell-all or die and have a new kidnapping law made after you. Stabbing a guy with a pencil is wrong because violence is wrong, and you lose your victimized glory at the end. That's what our founding fathers did when... Oh wait, they didn't. They actually defeated the British and fought, with violence, to defend their principals and freedom.

So A message to the kids: Choose your violence wisely, it could mean the difference between glory or more Marylin Manson album sales.

This Day in American History

On November 18th, 1883, American and Canadian railroads institute five standard continental time zones, ending the confusion of thousands of local times.

Life before this was pretty hard for the bi-coastal traveler, as they didn't quite understand what "Train-Lag" was. "This is some fucked-ass homo shit!" Exclaimed President James A. Garfield. "I get off this train to a campaign lunch in Oregon, and I was two hours late! What the fuck is up with these homos! I didn't even know that this was a state, next thing you know, they're changing the position of the sun! Fucktards."

Don't Fuck With The Writers

Huckabee And Norris Vs. Lame Liberal Issues

Ron Paul Starting New Government

And he's starting with making currency with his likeness on it! Go Ron! I'm sick of these morons feeding me utopian lies about political systems that are "for the people". Democracy, Communism, it's all bullshit! The Roman Empire lasted 800 years and they didn't give a shit about the people. As your new constituent/lemming, I hereby pledge allegiance to your greatness and the political mandates that you preach, while smiting the people and issues you abhor!

Oh... It was a campaign stunt... Ahem...

I hereby re-align myself with the United States and it's not-so-perfect-and-okay-for-now political system.

Semper Fi.