God Hates Fags... And Convoluted Protest Meanings

A federal jury in Baltimore, Maryland, Wednesday awarded $10.9 million to a father of a Marine whose funeral was picketed by members of a fundamentalist church carrying signs blaming soldiers' deaths on America's tolerance of homosexuals. The Westboro Baptist Church, based out of Topeka Kansas, has to pay the family of Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder the insane sum after it was deemed that they intended to inflict "emotional harm" while they demonstrated Matthew's funeral. The reason for the protest? The Iraq war is God's way of punishing the United States of America for being so lenient on homosexuals, so the soldier deserved to be killed because he was fighting for a country full of people they consider to be "fag enablers", so they should be able to protest a funeral because... Okay, I lost the reason already. Find out on your own.

This Day in American History - Halloween Edition

October 31st is a revered day in American Culture, since it's the day of Halloween. One in many pagan holidays, Halloween is a special one. Unlike Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter, this is the one holiday where you don't have to give a shit about anyone. Even compared to the non-pagan holidays, Halloween is the most selfish and hedonistic holiday we have. "I get so sick of caring about people when I get a holiday off work" says dock foreman Don Berman of Dayton, OH. "Let's be thankful for this, buy gifts for that, then celebrate some dead guy, Jesus, or veterans! Fuck, I just want to get trashed in a stupid costume and steal my kid's candy, so don't tread on me!" Semper Fi my friend, Semper Fi.

Spammers Go To Jail!

Finally! We have a reason to cheer as the phantom e-mail menace has a face. Two men were sentenced to five years in prison for sending millions of e-mails under a new law. The kitty is happy.

Oh, and if you have been getting e-mail about visiting The American Culture, you can unsubscribe here.

Missile Defense Talks Hit A Snag

Well, "snag" meaning "Russia". President Vladimir Putin mocked Secretary of State Condi "Man I Need To Get Fucked" Rice yesterday by scoffing at our plans to build missile defense systems in eastern block nations. We need them just in case Iran fires missiles at us, Russia thinks we're stupid, and Iran is in the background laughing at the fact that they were able to make us flinch. World politics is now resembling high school politics, and here are the players.

UNITED STATES = Good looking asshole jock who pushes people around then complains when someone keys his car.

IRAN = The holier-than-thou religious zealot kid who cries discrimination every chance he gets but systematically drops hints of violent retaliation while sitting alone at lunch.

RUSSIA = Formerly an asshole jock, rivaling the US, Russia is now the defeated jock kid who now has to submit to the social order of the schoolyard.

All we need are some catchy songs, and Vanessa Hudgens, and we got a hit!

The Bullshit Train Rides Again!

U.S. Marshals seized $75,000 worth of supplements advertised as cures for such conditions as anemia, diabetes, and high blood pressure. They were mostly selling Charantea Ampalaya in capsule and in tea forms and saying they were miracle cures. Though this is tragic, it is very common amongst our culture.

But like any red-blooded Americans, we here at The American Culture will be exploiting this to it's full extent! We are announcing our miracle elixir "Lazyassitol"! With the right blend of the the Moron Maximus flower, which is only found on the south side of the Ural Mountains during the Vernal Equinox, and the Stupidious Fatassious plant gathered from the luscious hanging gardens of Atlantis, we have created a medicine that can cure everything! Cancer, heart failure, AIDS, the common cold, decapitation, abnormal lobster-claw growth, old age, erectile dysfunction, and most importantly... I will grow your hair back if you're bald. The government, or as we like to call them, them "The Buzzkill Brigade" doesn't want you to have this potion! Why? Because they have the hands of the pharmaceutical industry firmly up their ass and flapping their mouth like a puppet. They want you to be sick so they could make more money! What opportunist bastards! BUT! For 6 easy payments of 29.95, you can have a bottle of this banned medicine and tell the FDA to suck a fat cock!

And watch out... the "Secret"... our cryptic self-help book will knock the shit out of your congested meat-filled colon! "I Fucking Rule, The Book" will show you how to be a bad ass in today's society just by repeating the phrase "I Fucking Rule". "Hey boss, I need a raise because I Fucking Rule". "My brain is hemorrhaging? Pfft, that's pussy shit! Give me 5min and that'll stop because I Fucking Rule!" "Bloodless coup turning into a bloody coup? Yeah, whatever, those homos need to realize that I Fucking Rule! Literally that is".

Even Horribly Bad Mothers Deserve A Fifth Chance

Especially when they feel they deserve everything regardless of their actions. Don't change for the world! Make the world change for you! God bless America! :)

The Armenian Genocide Debate

Yesterday, congress passed a bill declaring that the U.S. officially recognizes the deaths of 1.5 million Armenians by the Ottoman Empire (now Turkey) as "Genocide". Many historians and scholars have already come to this conclusion, and most countries across the globe have officially stated that they believe that this was the first act of genocide in the 20th century. Turkey, however, denies this claim, and opposes any such claim. Being that we rely heavily on Turkey for our military operations in Iraq and abroad, President Bush vetoed the bill saying that this was not the right way to recognize the tragedy.

Most people around the world are outraged at the decision, and at Turkey's abhorrent attitude toward the subject. But being exposed to modern Armenian culture here in the United States, you can see why no one here really cares. Give them food stamps and Rolexes or give them death!

Organic Food Is Lame

$5 for an irregular shaped apple? Fuck that. You trust science to save your life when shit goes bad, why not trust it to grow your food? Los Angeles restaurants are now exclusively buying from local farmers, making the produce they cook with way more fresh and cost effective. All we have to say here at the American Culture is... fucking duh!

This Day in American History

On October 7th, 1976, President Gerald Ford signs a legislation allowing women to apply for admission to the U.S. military academies. The largely progressive move was panned by conservatives who get turned off by strong women, and who thought that the national pie supply would go into severe shortage. "If we got bitches fighting wars, who's gonna get me my key lime with whipped cream? Don't expect me to do it, I can barely hold this pen." Bellowed then Kansas Senator Bob Dole. Since then, women have flourished in the high ranks of the military, bringing a set of skills that men are just not good at. Like complaining about stuff and making bathrooms smell good.

It's Been A While

But I'm back in action... Or inaction... Whatever. Bookmark and enjoy!

This Day in American History

On August 3rd, 1997, Microsoft buys $150 million worth of shares of financially troubled Apple Computer, thus saving the company and helping it take off into the computer superpower it is today.

The popular commercials featuring John Hodgeman as a PC and Justin Long as a mac were a bit different then.

"Hi, I'm a Mac."
"And I'm a PC"
"PC, I need to ask you a favor."
"What is it, Mac?"
"Well, since our elitist company model didn't quite coincide with the needs of every day computer users, our company has hit some serious finical troubles. Can you buy some of our stock?"
"Well, I guess I can, Mac, but I can't buy too much because the FTC will come down hard on me. But, if I only buy 150 million, and we'll set it up so that you're the 'cool people' computer company and sell over-priced, dumbed-down models to artistic blow hards and general wine-sipping assholes, we'll say that we're competing with each other!"
"Great! The transmission in my Jetta went out. This is really gonna help my Ikea addiction as well."

Why We Care About Miners

... Actually, I can't answer that question. If you spend a lifetime digging a hole in the ground and crawling into it, you're gonna get trapped every once in a while. Does an exterminator complain if he gets some weird chemical-induced cancer? No. It's all part of the job.

And way to go CNN! This is the picture that they posted on their website when this story broke. Wow... I feel like I'm there!!

Bridge Collapse Hits Home

We here at The American Culture are not immune to the tragedies that effect Americans. The creator of this blog, Daniel Chavez, was almost killed in the bridge collapse that happened yesterday in Minnesota.

"I had to stop and get gas" Daniel said in an interview earlier today. " If I would have spent $25 instead of $35, and trekked 2769 miles to Minnesota from Los Angeles for some reason, I would have been killed!"

God shines his beacon on humankind only in times of great peril, and Daniel was able to bask in some of that light.

Headline Of The Week

"Athlete's Foot: The New Airport Terrorist Threat?"

- Live Science.com

I'm not even going to bother to read it.

R Kelly: Singer? Or Statutory Ape?

It's finally going down, R Kelly's trial for having sex with a minor is gonna happen.

LET'S GET READY TO GRUMBLE!!

Whoopi Joins The View

"Whoopi Goldberg was introduced as the show's latest co-host Wednesday, joining Barbara Walters, Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck on the panel of ABC's hit daytime show."

We here at The American Culture are taking a pool right now. For $5 you can choose one of these options.

- Whoopi gets in fist fight with Hasselbeck and loses a dreadlock within one month.
- Whoopi realizes how stupid women really are when they are asked their opinion. Will quit in disgust in 3 months.
- Whoopi will grow annoyed at Joy's monotone humor and finally say "SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOUR STUPID GAY-ASS HUSBAND". Leaves within a year.
- Whoopi, using her night vision senses, finally captures and kills Arnold Schwarzenegger in the jungles of Central America. Despite his application of mud to prevent such an instrument for seeing him. She's out within 2 years.

Another Politician Taking Public Funds For Private Use

Wow, and I thought it didn't make sense that the Alaskan Wildlife fund needed 22 billion for the "Save The Brown Beaver" project, or 17 billion for the "Need More Bitches Here" initiative. Hmmm.

This Day in American History

On July 31st, 1976, NASA releases the famous "Face on Mars" photo. This would be the "smoking gun" to many ufologists, otherwise known as "brain dead morons".

"This is the surest sign of intelligent life since Lowell's discovery of their canal system." Said lonely person Howard Anderson. "I know scientists have since discovered that the canals were dried up and not caused by intelligent life, and there's tons of scientific evidence to suggest that intelligent life did not exist on mars at all... but what do scientists know?? Besides spending their life studying one subject to the point of being an expert. Pfft, that's overrated." He said as he stroked one of his many cats.

The face has since been re-photographed from a different angle and it has been revealed that it is nothing more than a pile of dirt. Once again showing that it doesn't matter how smart people think you are, you can still be a dipshit.

Bonds Two Away From Breaking All-Time Record

When an asshole like Bonds breaks a cherished record like this, we realize... Wait... What does this matter anyway? Baseball's fucking boring... Unless you're drunk.... Which I am... But it's still boring.

Math Is Cool!

Danica McKellar is coming out with a book entitled "Math Doesn't Suck".

No, but pretty faces like hers do suck... MY COCK!!

Hahaha, had to do that...

Anyway, the book is meant to encourage girls that being smart is okay, and not to emulate the Paris/Nicole/Lindsey/Britney/Hilliary lifestyle of excessive partying, drug use, and the dependency of a man to further your own ambitions.

I, personally, would marry Danica in a heartbeat. Smart girls are hot, and will always be hot. Hotter than any socialite/model/whore any day.