This Day in American History

On July 31st, 1976, NASA releases the famous "Face on Mars" photo. This would be the "smoking gun" to many ufologists, otherwise known as "brain dead morons".

"This is the surest sign of intelligent life since Lowell's discovery of their canal system." Said lonely person Howard Anderson. "I know scientists have since discovered that the canals were dried up and not caused by intelligent life, and there's tons of scientific evidence to suggest that intelligent life did not exist on mars at all... but what do scientists know?? Besides spending their life studying one subject to the point of being an expert. Pfft, that's overrated." He said as he stroked one of his many cats.

The face has since been re-photographed from a different angle and it has been revealed that it is nothing more than a pile of dirt. Once again showing that it doesn't matter how smart people think you are, you can still be a dipshit.

Bonds Two Away From Breaking All-Time Record

When an asshole like Bonds breaks a cherished record like this, we realize... Wait... What does this matter anyway? Baseball's fucking boring... Unless you're drunk.... Which I am... But it's still boring.

Math Is Cool!

Danica McKellar is coming out with a book entitled "Math Doesn't Suck".

No, but pretty faces like hers do suck... MY COCK!!

Hahaha, had to do that...

Anyway, the book is meant to encourage girls that being smart is okay, and not to emulate the Paris/Nicole/Lindsey/Britney/Hilliary lifestyle of excessive partying, drug use, and the dependency of a man to further your own ambitions.

I, personally, would marry Danica in a heartbeat. Smart girls are hot, and will always be hot. Hotter than any socialite/model/whore any day.

Can't Beat Em', Sue Em!

The statement above is as ingrained into the American Culture as "Don't Tread On Me" and "I Like Big Butts". Cities across the country are now suing gang members who terrorize local communities, propagating our litigious society even further.

Pandas Are Fucking Stupid

Panda cub Mei Sheng is in San Diego before he returns to China.

BFD. Pandas are the most evolutionarily vapid animal on the planet. There's only a few of them, but they have fussy mating and eating habits. I say kill them off. What's the fuss about these stupid animals anyway? They're the homos of the animal kingdom.

This Day in American History

On July 25th, 1898, The United States invasion of Puerto Rico begins with U.S. troops landing at harbor of Guánica, Puerto Rico during the Spanish-American War.

A long forgotten war, the Spanish-American war was a result of the explosion of the USS Maine off the coast of Cuba. Many people believed that the Spanish military was responsible for this atrocity and the US declared war on Spain shortly after.

The war was fought in proxy areas, like the Philippines and Puerto Rico, and ended up with the US gaining PR and Guam as territories. Historians now believe that the explosion on the Maine was not Spanish terrorism but a faulty system of keeping live ammo aboard the ship, resulting in the explosion.

Because of that false accusation, Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony, Rosie Perez, and a horde of no-talent ghettofied people have flooded our culture and our sports. Who knows, maybe because of 9-11, a few decades from now, we'll be shooting AK-47s in the air and eating baked children. Ahh, the balance of life.

You Tube Debates

Yesterday marked a first in American politics, when CNN and You Tube joined forces to allow the voters to ask questions directly to the Democratic presidential candidates through videos posted on You Tube.

Here are some highlights from this enlightening display of American Democracy at work.

XcoreisradX: Uh, hey... This one is for the chick president, um... What do you think about, like, girls being able to have sex for money legally, and like being in the military and stuff?

Clinton: Well... I don't think that women should be encouraged to have sex for money, but if there's anyone that is selling their principles for money it's the Republicans! (crowd cheers). And we Democrats are united in cleaning up Washington! Besides that, women shouldn't be allowed in the military, we suck at fighting wars.

Babiebooty233: Dis one goin' out to that fine ass black man Obama! When you gonna hit me up boo? I'll be real good to you! Look at dis booty! Mmmm, it's just watin for yo big black --

Obama: Who's screening these? This one should be sent to my personal inbox... No, I can't step away from this podium.

ORiley8766: I heard that Democrats like to shit on babies, is this true? Or has your team of historical revisionists and media conglomerates covered up the truth about liberals and their infant-defecating ways?

Kucinich: I have never once not deificated on an infant... What's a double negative?

One More Ciminal Off The Street

And away from making any more movies. God bless America.

This Day in American History

On July 23rd, 1968, In Cleveland, Ohio, a violent shootout between a Black Militant organization led by Ahmed Evans and the Cleveland Police Department occurred. During the shootout, a riot began that lasted for five days. This would later be known as the "Glenville Shootout".

Learning the lessons of this tragic event, police departments across the nation stepped up efforts to ease racial tensions within their communities. Law enforcement-based riots became a thing of the past as police treated people with respect and... oh... that didn't happen.

Holy Fucking Shit!

"Vice President Dick Cheney will serve as acting president briefly Saturday while President Bush is anesthetized for a routine colonoscopy, White House spokesman Tony Snow said Friday."

Many biblical scholars are up in arms. "This is closer to revelations than any other event in human history". Dick Cheney is already changing the pen holder in the oval office and figuring out how he could invade Iran, Syria, Madagascar, Ohio, and Luxembourg before Bush wakes up.

My prediction, Bush isn't waking up. That's it, we're done for. Bush doesn't wake up, Dick is president, and he'll find a way to take over. This was his plan all along people... The end is near...

Lohan Surrenders To Police

"Lindsay Lohan turned herself in to face charges of driving under the influence in connection with the Memorial Day weekend hit-and-run crash that sent her into rehab." This was after she had a birthday blast in Vegas.

Message to kids: Nothing comes before a good party, not even the law, or self respect, or anything else that takes "work" to do.

Semper Fi.

The Difference Between The US And Canada

At least the stupid shit we waste valuable scientific time on is somewhat cool. Like Viagra and Battle Bots. The Canadians make computers that play checkers.

"Canadian researchers report they have 'solved' checkers, developing a program that cannot lose in a game popular with young and old alike for more than a thousand years. 'The program can achieve at least a draw against any opponent, playing either the black or white pieces,' the researchers say in this week's online edition of the journal Science."

This Day in American History

On July 19th, 1973, the US Senate passes the War Powers Act, limiting the ability of the President to wage war without the approval of Congress.

A fruitless act, mostly for political theater, since most Presidents learn how to circumvent congress like an immigrant bypassing a useless wall. When there's a war to be had, a war there will be.

Maybe The Terrorists Are Right

There is going to be a holy war... But It'll be Christian V. Christian.

"Instead of taking offense at a recent Vatican statement reasserting the primacy of the Roman Catholic Church, evangelicals should seize the chance to respond with equal candor that 'any church defined by the claims of the papacy is no true church,' according to a prominent Southern Baptist leader. The Rev. R. Albert Mohler Jr., president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, wrote on his blog that he appreciated the document’s clarity in voicing a key distinction between Catholics and Protestants over papal authority."

"The Roman Catholic Church is willing to go so far as to assert that any church that denies the papacy is no true church. Evangelicals should be equally candid in asserting that any church defined by the claims of the papacy is no true church."

Jesus Christ himself was heard to remark on these latest developments in Christian news. "Seriously, did I say anything about any of this?? NO! You people don't listen! That's it, I'm delaying the second coming by another thousand years. Maybe you'll get over yourselves by then. Where's my ice cream?"

Michael Vick Sleeps In Dog House

You can take the boy out of the brain-dead backwoods, but you can't make his brain come back to life. Atlanta Falcon Michael Vick was recently arrested and indicted on charges of conducting illegal dogfights at his Atlanta mansion.

"I thought it was legal" Vick was heard to remark. "I mean, I earn millions sacrificing my body and risking severe injury in pointless displays of barbaric tirades, why can't dogs do it as well? I mean, has the bombastic idea of animal cruelty permeated our society so insidiously that we would rather be spectators of human barbarism than let our canine companions take part in the sport?"

(This quote was severely doctored by Vick's publicist, this was the original quote).

"Fuckin' dawgs belong to me so I shoud do what I want wit dem'. Man, this shit is fucked up, man. Fuck the law! Fucking nigga-ass homos takin my shit, fuck."

Update From The Road

I'm out on the road doing an expose on the culture of the Midwest. A full report will come tomorrow.

Lady-Bird johnson R.I. motherfucking P.

An icon of American history was laid to rest this week. Lady-bird Johnson, the wife of former President Lyndon Baines Johnson, passed away this week of natural causes.

We here at The American Culture want to pay tribute to one of the finest first-ladies America has ever had.

...

But we don't know that much about her, and reading is out of the question. So here goes.

Lady-Bird Johnson, I'd do her in a heartbeat. (1912 - 2007)

This Day in American History... The Most Boring Day Ever

Yes, you read right. Nothing of any significance happened on this day in any era of American history. Just to prove it, this is what I had to choose from when doing this blog.

# 1943 - In Joplin, Missouri, George Washington Carver National Monument becomes the first United States National Monument in honor of a black American.
# 1954 - The central region of the United States suffers extremely hot weather, with the temperature reaching 118° F (48° C) in Warsaw and Union, Missouri, and 117° F (47° C) in East St. Louis, Illinois, setting new all-time state record high temperatures.
# 1965 - Mariner 4 flyby of Mars takes the first close-up photos of another planet.
# 1966 - In Chicago, Richard Speck murders eight student nurses in their dormitory.
# 1967 - Eddie Mathews becomes the seventh member of the 500 home run club with a home run at Candlestick Park in San Francisco, California off San Francisco Giants pitcher and future fellow Hall of Fame member Juan Marichal.
# 1968 - Exactly one year to the date of teammate Eddie Mathews' 500th carrer home run, Hank Aaron becomes the eighth member of said club with a home run off Mike McCormick of the San Francisco Giants at Atlanta Stadium in the state capital of Georgia.
# 1992 - A major fire consumes an entire city block in tourist destination Gatlinburg, Tennessee, destroying the "Ripley's Believe It Or Not!" Museum and several other local businesses and attractions in the process.
# 1995 - The MP3 format was named.

This is like one night of local news, nothing worth mentioning. To all you law makers and history changers out there, July 14th is wiiide open!

Another One Bites The Dust...

"A jury today convicted former media mogul Conrad Black of criminal fraud and obstruction of justice but declared him not guilty of racketeering. Black had been accused of pilfering $60 million in payments that should have benefited his former newspaper company and its shareholders"

The rich are falling! Watch out shady rich people, if you get caught doing your number fudging and trickery, we'll take you down! Well, only for a few years... if that... and you'll keep all the money you bilked, as well as the money you already have... *sigh*

This Day in American History

On July 11th, 1955, the phrase "In God We Trust" was printed on all currency for the first time, and was later adopted as the national motto. The phrase remains a controversy to this day as godless heathens whine about the "Separation of Church and State" blah blah. But like most decisions made in the vein of religion, this one had a subtext. Many also argue that the motto, along with the addition of "under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance, was made official simply because of U.S. opposition to the atheistic Soviet Union, the main adversary of the United States during the Cold War.

So the lesson here is to not throw a hissy fit whenever someone does something in the name of God, because 9 times out of 10, God has nothing to do with it.

Larry Flynt: P.I.

"Larry Flynt's Hustler magazine claimed credit for exposing Sen. David Vitter's connection to the "D.C. Madam" Tuesday, saying Vitter confessed after a journalist reported finding the senator's number in the escort service's phone records."

"Larry Flynt's ongoing investigation into the dirty secrets of prominent elected officials has exposed another hypocrite," Hustler said.

Even while paralyzed from the waist down, Larry Flynt will still come after you! Well, you being politicians that are stupid enough to leave a paper trail. If you get exposed by an aging paralyzed pornographer, then you deserved to get caught.

Guy Goes Up In Baloon

"Last weekend, Kent Couch settled down in his lawn chair with some snacks -- and a parachute. Attached to his lawn chair were 105 large helium balloons."

23 Dolphins died as he landed and let the balloons go.

Tired Of Facts? Try Conservapedia!

Unlike it's counterpart, Wikipedia, Conservapedia is the online encyclopedia for people who want the truth. Here, people can trust that the information they are getting has been filtered through the sifter of The Conservapedia Commandments, letting the nuggets of truth spill out into it's pan of glory.

Like it's article on Homosexuality which it defines as "an immoral sexual lifestyle between members of the same sex. It is more than simply a sexual act, it is going beyond the boundaries that God has setup for marriage; one man and one woman." Also making sure that the general scope of knowledge is as good, if not superior to Wikipedia, Conservapedia weeds out the filler. Take it's article on Cats. Wikipedia has waaaay too much stuff in its article while Conservapedia keeps it nice and simple.

America The Depressed?

"In its study, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention looked at 2.4 billion drugs prescribed in visits to doctors and hospitals in 2005. Of those, 118 million were for antidepressants."

This makes anti-depressants the most prescribed drug in the US. Shocking? No! Why, we have a great culture that encourages kids to "be what they want to be" and tell them that they have the "freedom to reach for the stars", then when they take their soul grinding job that they are underpaid for just so that they could support the two kids they had on accident with a person that they now hate, we give them pills. It's win-win!

The American Culture's Guide to the 2008 Election

The 2008 Presidential Election is going to be a big one. With the Democrats in control of congress, Justice Anthony Kennedy voting for the conservatives, the gold and diamond studded throne of the Presidency has never been more important. (Once we clean up the PBJ stains). We here at The American Culture want to inform you on the candidates, because voting is power… sort of. And we’ll do it the American ADD way; all in one sentence.

REPUBLICAN

· Sam Brownback, U.S. Senator from Kansas – Creationist, constitutionalist, Puppy strangler.

· Jim Gilmore, Former Governor of Virginia – Who?

· Rudy Giuliani, Former Mayor of New York – The most liberal Republican you could ever vote for, besides Abraham Lincoln.

· Mike Huckabee, Former Governor of Arkansas - Had a movie starring Jason Schwartzman about him… Oh wait…

· Duncan Hunter, U.S. Representative from California – Knows how to clean up government pork by driving his black sports car into the back of a moving trailer, and he knows how to diffuse a C-4 explosives device.

· John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona – Never mind the twitch in his eye, and his fear of closed spaces, and random explosions, he’ll be a good president.

· Ron Paul, U.S. Representative from Texas – Strict constitutionalist, and women’s fragrance kingpin.

· Mitt Romney, Former Governor of Massachusetts – A Republican that was for, now against most of the things the thought he was for when he said he was against them back when he was campaigning for them, and a dirty Mormon.

· Tom Tancredo, U.S. Representative from Colorado – Hunts drugged hookers for sport, so he’ll be good with terrorists.

· Fred Thompson, Former U.S. Senator from Tennessee – The poor man’s Arnold Schwarzenegger.

· Tommy Thompson, Former Governor of Wisconsin – If your first name and last name are the same, your parents were idiots, that means be default that you are too.

DEMOCRAT

· Joe Biden, U.S. Senator from Delaware – Slick back hair, stupid ideas, he’s the white Al Sharpton.

· Hillary Clinton, U.S. Senator from New York – Turn Ons: Grey hair, long walks on the beach, puppies. Turn offs: Neo-con politics, secretive presidential administrations, and getting fisted by a guy with long nails.

· Christopher Dodd, U.S. Senator from Connecticut – Who?

· John Edwards, Former U.S. Senator from North Carolina – Metrosexual with a homely wife, think “King of Queens” only the roles are reversed.

· Mike Gravel, Former U.S. Senator from Alaska – Stood up for key Alaskan issues like the “What The Fuck Do We Do With This Land” act and helped write the “Fuck, It’s Cold” doctrine.

· Dennis Kucinich, U.S. Representative from Ohio – A troll-like figure, good for running under tables and immigration, since no Mexican would be able to pass into America with out bringing a bag of gold.

· Barack Obama, U.S. Senator from Illinois – Man! This foo is off da CHAIN! You best be voting this mofo in or I‘ll cut you! Slice!

· Bill Richardson, Governor of New Mexico – Think Cesar Chavez, but less… productive and more fat.

This Is R&B... Bitches!

Role The Camera To Film My Roll!

Ah Britney Spears, you're a master of the English language. This is an apology she made for lashing out against paparazzi with an umbrella a while back.

"I apologize to the pap for a stunt that was done 4 months ago regarding an umbrella," Spears said in a statement posted Wednesday on her Web site. "I was preparing my character for a roll in a movie where the husband never plays his part so they switch places accidentally. I take all my rolls very seriously and got a little carried away. Unfortunately I didn't get the part."

This Day in American History

On July 5th, 1776, our founding fathers, who were mostly hung over from partying it up the night before, woke up and said "oh shit... we really did this... fuck! That's the last time I try to form a sovereignty while fucked up on ale."

James Madison wrote, "man did I puke my brains out this morning. Fuck. Now we're a free nation with no taxes... But how are we gonna pay for this? Man, this was a bad idea".

America Turns 231 Years Old!

And we're still in our adolescent prime! We might be irrational like adolescents, apathetic toward other people like adolescents, and throw tantrums like adolescents, but... well... if we got in a fist fight with the elderly, like Japan or Germany, we beat the shit out of them like adolescents as well.

Semper Fi.

This Day in American History

On July 3rd, 1890, Idaho becomes the 43rd US State.

Fun facts about Idaho!

1) It has mountains, lots of them.
2) Some guy named George M. Willing made up the name "Idaho" and convinced congress that it meant "The Sun Comes From The Mountains" in Shoshone, but that was total bullshit.
3) Potatoes, lots of them.
4) Looks like an erect penis.
5) And that's about it.

This Day in American History

On July 2nd, 1937 Amelia Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan disappear over the Pacific Ocean while attempting to make the first equatorial round-the-world flight.

This set the women's movement back a couple of decades as new laws were enacted across the country. The "Bitches Can't Do Shit" act hit the congressional debate. Sen. George McGill (D - Kansas), bellowed on the floor of the Senate; "See! I told you that women should only be baking pies and making kids. If they keep killing themselves trying to do things that too complicated, like flying planes or voting, we won't have a society anymore! And don't get me started on the blacks." The measure passed and was put on the desk of Franklin Roosevelt, who had to veto it after his wife, and woman activist Eleanor Roosevelt, said; "Do you like my pussy? Because if you pass that act, you ain't getting no play, homie".

Vampire Peacocks... No I'm Not Kidding.

"A peacock that roamed into the parking lot of a Burger King in New York City was beaten by a man who insisted it was a vampire. Animal control officials in Staten Island say the bird was beaten so fiercely that most of its tail feathers fell out and it had to be euthanized. The seven-year-old male peacock wandered into the restaurant parking lot and perched on a car hood last week. Charmed employees had been feeding it bread when the man appeared. A restaurant worker says the man grabbed the bird by the neck, hurled it to the ground and started stomping it. She says when he was asked what he was doing, he responded, 'I'm killing a vampire!' Employees called police, but the man ran when he saw them."

For once, I'm at a loss for words...