The American Culture's Guide to the 2008 Election

The 2008 Presidential Election is going to be a big one. With the Democrats in control of congress, Justice Anthony Kennedy voting for the conservatives, the gold and diamond studded throne of the Presidency has never been more important. (Once we clean up the PBJ stains). We here at The American Culture want to inform you on the candidates, because voting is power… sort of. And we’ll do it the American ADD way; all in one sentence.

REPUBLICAN

· Sam Brownback, U.S. Senator from Kansas – Creationist, constitutionalist, Puppy strangler.

· Jim Gilmore, Former Governor of Virginia – Who?

· Rudy Giuliani, Former Mayor of New York – The most liberal Republican you could ever vote for, besides Abraham Lincoln.

· Mike Huckabee, Former Governor of Arkansas - Had a movie starring Jason Schwartzman about him… Oh wait…

· Duncan Hunter, U.S. Representative from California – Knows how to clean up government pork by driving his black sports car into the back of a moving trailer, and he knows how to diffuse a C-4 explosives device.

· John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona – Never mind the twitch in his eye, and his fear of closed spaces, and random explosions, he’ll be a good president.

· Ron Paul, U.S. Representative from Texas – Strict constitutionalist, and women’s fragrance kingpin.

· Mitt Romney, Former Governor of Massachusetts – A Republican that was for, now against most of the things the thought he was for when he said he was against them back when he was campaigning for them, and a dirty Mormon.

· Tom Tancredo, U.S. Representative from Colorado – Hunts drugged hookers for sport, so he’ll be good with terrorists.

· Fred Thompson, Former U.S. Senator from Tennessee – The poor man’s Arnold Schwarzenegger.

· Tommy Thompson, Former Governor of Wisconsin – If your first name and last name are the same, your parents were idiots, that means be default that you are too.

DEMOCRAT

· Joe Biden, U.S. Senator from Delaware – Slick back hair, stupid ideas, he’s the white Al Sharpton.

· Hillary Clinton, U.S. Senator from New York – Turn Ons: Grey hair, long walks on the beach, puppies. Turn offs: Neo-con politics, secretive presidential administrations, and getting fisted by a guy with long nails.

· Christopher Dodd, U.S. Senator from Connecticut – Who?

· John Edwards, Former U.S. Senator from North Carolina – Metrosexual with a homely wife, think “King of Queens” only the roles are reversed.

· Mike Gravel, Former U.S. Senator from Alaska – Stood up for key Alaskan issues like the “What The Fuck Do We Do With This Land” act and helped write the “Fuck, It’s Cold” doctrine.

· Dennis Kucinich, U.S. Representative from Ohio – A troll-like figure, good for running under tables and immigration, since no Mexican would be able to pass into America with out bringing a bag of gold.

· Barack Obama, U.S. Senator from Illinois – Man! This foo is off da CHAIN! You best be voting this mofo in or I‘ll cut you! Slice!

· Bill Richardson, Governor of New Mexico – Think Cesar Chavez, but less… productive and more fat.