Lohan Jailed For 84 Minutes

Yeah, yet again another celeb shows us how our justice system works. Not that she has money and was able to buy freedom, but the overcrowding of our prison system. The real losers? Two people actually. Me: She wasn't in there long enough to have some hot lesbian prison sex and write about it in a tell-all, Africa: She wasn't in there long enough to have a life changing epiphany and decide to join the celeb ranks and bring even more awareness to a place saturated with it.

My loss is more tragic though.

Editorial: What Is The Lessor Of Two Crimes?

Beating the shit out of a white kid for no good reason, or hanging nooses in an area where black kids hang out?

Well, according to the thousands of people marching today in Washington DC, it's the latter.

Mostly upset about the "Jena 6", protesters, lead by Al Sharpton and Martin Luther King III are calling on the federal government to get tougher on hate crimes. Several incidents involving noose hanging are springing up, but under current federal law, it's a state issue. Unless the build one big enough to span two states, it's out of the Fed's hands. Undaunted, and severely ignorant to the way federal law works, marchers still demanded they crack down.

My beef is not with the Jena 6, or with the people hanging nooses, it's with the "leaders" of the black community that insist on calling racism on anything they can. Obviously hanging nooses is a racist act, but to rally the way they're doing today is stupid. Al Sharpton does more to divide the races and promote racism than any noose can, and spends way too much energy fighting white people on behalf of the black people than actually doing anything to fix the problems in the black community itself. Propagating a culture of blaming your problems on everyone else does not help your people.

And for the noose hangers? They're getting the reaction they wanted. So today is lose-lose.

...

We Lost A Great American Today

Norman Mailer, American author, died today at age 84. Author of "The Naked and the Dead," "The Armies of the Night" and "The Executioner's Song," Mailer was also known for his brash personality, and for never backing down from a fight. He pissed off feminists by writing "Prisoner of Sex", and also, well, stabbing his second wife after a party. (That's actually true). Most of us know him from the articles we didn't read in Playboy, and when you go back and read them, you can tell that he knew what was going on.

"-- So as the sun sets on the mountains of Da Nang, I heard the whisper of our GI's, and they spoke to me... Wait, fuck it, no one's reading this shit anyway. Did you see the tits on the page 14 girl? Man! I would love to spray some of my napalm on that!"

A Science Lesson

This Day in American History

On November 9th, 1862, Union General Ambrose Burnside assumes command of the Army of the Potomac, after George B. McClellan is removed. This would be the general's calling card, and an important part of American fashion history. Gen. Burnside was known for having an extreme mustache, and the term "sideburns" came from him. Here's an excerpt from his 1875 biography "Fuck, Wars Suck Ass".

"I grew this stache' back in the 40's, thinking it would get me some pussy, and it worked! Girls would be like 'Mmm, that facial hair makes me want to turn into a harlot, wanna see some of my ankle?' Boom! Next thing you know, I was fisting her anus. That's where I really got the term 'sideburn', cause' I'd fist them so hard it would burn up their insides. I don't know who changed the term to be about hair on the side of your head, I think that's gay."

Are You On The Border With Mexico?

Have you witnessed the atrocities committed by Mexican drug cartels on American soil, and also noticed the insouciant nature of the Mexican and US government towards this invasion of our country? Do you feel helpless as the government and the media seem to ignore this moth gnawing at the fabric of our society??

Then e-mail the man that is doing what everyone else can't, he's making a shitfit out of nothing. His name is Glenn Beck, and he'll sensationalize your story better than anyone else!

Well, I saw this on his show last night, and he gave a special e-mail that he's setting up just for this on the show, which I can't find anywhere. So I'm gonna make it up. shitonakitten@glennbeck.com.

This Day in American History

On November 7th, 1917, In Petrograd, Russia, Bolshevik leaders Vladimir Lenin and Leon Trotsky lead revolutionaries in overthrowing the Provisional Government, and thus giving power to the Soviets.

"Hey asshole, that's not American history!" You might exclaim while eating cake frosting and watching CSI. It's true, this was a important part of Russian history, but this single event would help shape the United States we have today. Opening a new front in WW2, giving Joseph McCarthy a reason to be put in history books, inadvertently getting us on the moon, and hiring really good graphic artists to make semi-enslavement propaganda "hip" to kids today, it's a fact that without the Soviet Union, the US would be a completely different place.

ICE In Trouble Again

No, not Ice T, Ice Cube, or the man with the icy career Vanilla Ice, no we're talking about the Immigration and Customs Enforcement department's head Julie Myers. She was hosting a Halloween party when one of her guests dressed up in prison stripes, dreadlocks, and black face paint. Wen word got out that she not only let the guy have free booze, but also gave him a prize for "originality", she immediately backpedaled, apologizing for the "deeply offensive" costume and "regretting that it ever happened".

Racist humor tears at the very fabric of our society and divides us as a people... but only when white people do it. What's that smell? Oh! It's the pot of refried beans I'm making that I bought with food stamps that I don't deserve and welfare money that I mostly send to my family in Mexico. Viva La Racism!

This Day in American History

On November 5th, 1979, the Ayatollah Khomeini declares the USA to be "the great Satan" after taking hostages at the US Embassy just a day earlier. Here's a transcript of the meeting between the Ayatollah and his top adviser before the declaration.

Ayatollah: Man, I think I wrapped this towel on too tight --
Adviser: Your greatness, I have your prepared speech ready for you.
Ayatollah: Sweet! Lemmie see that... "The Great Satan"? I think that's bad grammar.
Adviser: Well, you will be speaking in Farsi, not English.
Ayatollah: Ah, good point... But I like "Country of Fat Homo Bitch-Fucks" better.
Adviser: ... Um... Okay, well, this will stir up more anger within the fundamentalist community.
Ayatollah: Really? "The Great Satan"? I guess you're right. Get the Jimmy Carter effigies ready, we're about to start a Greehad on these mother --
Adviser: -- It's "Jihad", sire.
Ayatollah: Whatever.

The Writer's Strike Will Not Affect The American Culture

Thou we are totally cool and stuff with the writers, we'll be all up on this shit yo! Well, some of our peeps have to go hold those sign things, so we had to bring in some amateurs to write our stuff until the wga and producer's come to a more better agreeance. Yeah... that's all...

This Day in American History

On November 4th, 1964, Lyndon Baines Johnson is elected as the thirty-sixth president of the United States of America after finishing out the term left (by force, some will say) by John F. Kennedy. This would prove to be a hectic term for LBJ; the start of the Vietnam war, sending national guard troops to a schools in the segregated south to allow black children to sit the same classes as the white children, (and thus creating Eminem), and a propensity for teabagging transsexual hookers, defined his presidency. Although hated amongst conservative ranks for his spending, the botched war effort, and his inability to get the hooker to bring him a pizza (mastered by Bill Clinton), LBJ stood the test of history as one of the greatest presidents of all time.

Cultural Assimilation Is A Bad Thing?

Not this guy! Stuck in a prison and about to be deported, Francisco Castaneda had to have his penis amputated due to a severe bout of cancer. In a last-ditch effort to show that he's all about being an American, he decided to sue. "Government officials imposed a death sentence on Mr. Castaneda, without benefit of judge or jury, by their failure to provide a simple and inexpensive diagnostic procedure to rule out a life-threatening disease," said his attorney, Conal Doyle. The decision to sue was brought to Fransisco, who was rather surprised that you can do that here in the United States. "Really? I can sue for this? Wow! You know, I spilled some coffee on my lap a while back and it burned me really bad, can I sue for that too? I can! Awesome!"

This Day in American Birthdays

1808 - John Taylor, one of the founding fathers... of the Church of Latter-Day Saints. Known for coming up with the idea of making his people ride around on bikes and annoy the crap out of Americans.
1942 - Larry Flynt, American magazine publisher, and mortal enemy of the institution mentioned above.
1949 - Michael D. Griffin (pictured), NASA chief administrator. Known for being a barrel of laughs around the clean room.
1957 - Lyle Lovett, American singer. Creepy creepy creepy.
1958 - Charlie Kaufman, American screenwriter. Brillant brillant brillant.
1975 - Bo Bice, American singer, and barely worth mentioning.
1979 - Coco Crisp, American baseball player, and breakfast cereal spokesperson.

God Hates Fags... And Convoluted Protest Meanings

A federal jury in Baltimore, Maryland, Wednesday awarded $10.9 million to a father of a Marine whose funeral was picketed by members of a fundamentalist church carrying signs blaming soldiers' deaths on America's tolerance of homosexuals. The Westboro Baptist Church, based out of Topeka Kansas, has to pay the family of Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder the insane sum after it was deemed that they intended to inflict "emotional harm" while they demonstrated Matthew's funeral. The reason for the protest? The Iraq war is God's way of punishing the United States of America for being so lenient on homosexuals, so the soldier deserved to be killed because he was fighting for a country full of people they consider to be "fag enablers", so they should be able to protest a funeral because... Okay, I lost the reason already. Find out on your own.

This Day in American History - Halloween Edition

October 31st is a revered day in American Culture, since it's the day of Halloween. One in many pagan holidays, Halloween is a special one. Unlike Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter, this is the one holiday where you don't have to give a shit about anyone. Even compared to the non-pagan holidays, Halloween is the most selfish and hedonistic holiday we have. "I get so sick of caring about people when I get a holiday off work" says dock foreman Don Berman of Dayton, OH. "Let's be thankful for this, buy gifts for that, then celebrate some dead guy, Jesus, or veterans! Fuck, I just want to get trashed in a stupid costume and steal my kid's candy, so don't tread on me!" Semper Fi my friend, Semper Fi.

Spammers Go To Jail!

Finally! We have a reason to cheer as the phantom e-mail menace has a face. Two men were sentenced to five years in prison for sending millions of e-mails under a new law. The kitty is happy.

Oh, and if you have been getting e-mail about visiting The American Culture, you can unsubscribe here.

Missile Defense Talks Hit A Snag

Well, "snag" meaning "Russia". President Vladimir Putin mocked Secretary of State Condi "Man I Need To Get Fucked" Rice yesterday by scoffing at our plans to build missile defense systems in eastern block nations. We need them just in case Iran fires missiles at us, Russia thinks we're stupid, and Iran is in the background laughing at the fact that they were able to make us flinch. World politics is now resembling high school politics, and here are the players.

UNITED STATES = Good looking asshole jock who pushes people around then complains when someone keys his car.

IRAN = The holier-than-thou religious zealot kid who cries discrimination every chance he gets but systematically drops hints of violent retaliation while sitting alone at lunch.

RUSSIA = Formerly an asshole jock, rivaling the US, Russia is now the defeated jock kid who now has to submit to the social order of the schoolyard.

All we need are some catchy songs, and Vanessa Hudgens, and we got a hit!

The Bullshit Train Rides Again!

U.S. Marshals seized $75,000 worth of supplements advertised as cures for such conditions as anemia, diabetes, and high blood pressure. They were mostly selling Charantea Ampalaya in capsule and in tea forms and saying they were miracle cures. Though this is tragic, it is very common amongst our culture.

But like any red-blooded Americans, we here at The American Culture will be exploiting this to it's full extent! We are announcing our miracle elixir "Lazyassitol"! With the right blend of the the Moron Maximus flower, which is only found on the south side of the Ural Mountains during the Vernal Equinox, and the Stupidious Fatassious plant gathered from the luscious hanging gardens of Atlantis, we have created a medicine that can cure everything! Cancer, heart failure, AIDS, the common cold, decapitation, abnormal lobster-claw growth, old age, erectile dysfunction, and most importantly... I will grow your hair back if you're bald. The government, or as we like to call them, them "The Buzzkill Brigade" doesn't want you to have this potion! Why? Because they have the hands of the pharmaceutical industry firmly up their ass and flapping their mouth like a puppet. They want you to be sick so they could make more money! What opportunist bastards! BUT! For 6 easy payments of 29.95, you can have a bottle of this banned medicine and tell the FDA to suck a fat cock!

And watch out... the "Secret"... our cryptic self-help book will knock the shit out of your congested meat-filled colon! "I Fucking Rule, The Book" will show you how to be a bad ass in today's society just by repeating the phrase "I Fucking Rule". "Hey boss, I need a raise because I Fucking Rule". "My brain is hemorrhaging? Pfft, that's pussy shit! Give me 5min and that'll stop because I Fucking Rule!" "Bloodless coup turning into a bloody coup? Yeah, whatever, those homos need to realize that I Fucking Rule! Literally that is".

Even Horribly Bad Mothers Deserve A Fifth Chance

Especially when they feel they deserve everything regardless of their actions. Don't change for the world! Make the world change for you! God bless America! :)