iPhone Is Released Today

People camped out for days in front of Apple and AT&T stores waiting for the release of the much anticipated iPhone. Will the device live up to the hype? I was lucky enough to receive one from Apple to review on The American Culture, and so far, this thing fucking sucks.

Yeah, it's an iPod. Yeah, it's a phone, blah fucking blah. I have an iPod and a phone, now I save 6.5 ounces of extra weight I have to carry around. Back problems solved!

The touch screen is supposed to be as scratch resistant as Apple can make it, but apparently it can't withstand a belt sander. One swipe of a Makita sander with pussy ass 180 grit sand paper and that screen got as foggy as a cataract. And don't try to go underwater with it! As a cliff-diving enthusiast, I sometimes have to take a call while swimming back up from 20-40 feet of water. I took a call from my girlfriend while 30 feet under off the coast of Sri Lanka, and boom, it just turned off. That's fucking gay.

Other things the iPhone is no good at:

- Hammering nails into drywall. While it's simple shape and flat metal surface would lead you to believe that you could get that den drywalled, alas, it is a farce. Lacking the weight and structural integrity of a good hammering device... like a hammer... the iPhone just falls apart upon impact.
- Infiltrating a small Central American Embassy. I needed to get some [censored] from the [censored] so I thought the iPhone, with it's camera and e-mail abilities, would be perfect for the job. Giving it a head start, I chucked it as hard as I can at the Honduran Embassy. Result: It hit the wall and broke.
- Child Rearing. Though it can play movies, keeping children at bay, once the movie is over then the child becomes disinterested and gets into trouble. And some of the built-in lessons that Apple provides still have some bugs in it. Like telling kids to drink bleach. Though, if you freeze the iPhone, it makes for a good teething device.

Overall, this might as well be a $600 brick. I suggest doing what ever other nerd is doing; Pass the time waiting for the second generation by masturbating to Hentai.

Paris Hilton Does Larry King

And it was really boring... the interview that is. Larry bumped Michael Moore to do the first Paris interview since getting out of jail, so at least we know where CNN's priorities lie.

"You Want Documents? I Can Answer You With One Finger"

The Bush administration has just rejected the subpoena from congress, and will refuse to hand over documents relating to the firing of U.S. Attorneys. Citing executive privilege, the president also cited the "Go Fuck Yourself" clause entered into the constitution by Teddy Roosevelt back in 1902.

September 11th: 5 Years, 9 Months, 16 Days, 4 Hours, 20 Minuets, and Something Seconds Later

What have we learned? An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind? Two wrongs don't make a right? Ends justify the means?

Not really.

Will we ever learn that?

Pfft, no, that's gay.



That's my tribute. United we stand, divided we... something.

DRC

Rosie's Iraq Solution!

Rosie O'Donnel has a solution to the war in Iraq... Send in children! They'll be too cute to kill.

The super anti-gun advocate dressed up her daughter as a "solider", with a bullet belt and a head scarf, causing an outrage (and by that I don't mean "Out Rage" the gay bar in West Hollywood) among parents and terrorists alike. "That scarf is the color of the Al-Hassam Shiite Milita in the Al Anbar Provence! They once looked at my great-great grandfather crossed-eyed, and I'm out for their blood! But I like the bullet belt, nice touch." Stated a local Iraqi terrorist.

NASA To Open Up Space Station

"If all goes as planned, part of the international space station will host research experiments from outsiders after it's completed in three years, NASA officials said Monday."

A poll was taken on what should be studied on the station, here are the results:

"How far will male ejaculate travel in zero gravity?" (65%)
"If you can see god, and if you will subsequently die like the Bible says." (34.9%)
"Research on biology and other relevant space-travel topics." (.01%)

Americans Don't Fail, We Just Win Very Slowly

Edison said, "I didn't fail, I just found a thousand ways that didn't work". Some people need to heed this.

Members of the GOP are now echoing the polls about the war in Iraq and are speaking out against it. Sen. Dick Lugar and Sen. George Voinovich have now did an about-face on the issue of the war, and many other Republicans are starting to crack under public pressure.

I say they're quitters! When things were bad during our Revolution, or the Civil War, did we quit?? NO! We pushed forth, killing thousands, and ended up winning. A tatic later used in the later part of WWII when Hitler was sending women, children, and the elderly to fight in incoming Soviet advance on Berlin. Bad example, but that's because he didn't do it right... So... If Bush fails he should kill himself.

The United States: A Photographic History

All Day News Coverage Of Paris Getting Out Of Jail?

No where to be found. Wooow, could this be the beginning of the end?

Oh wait, a pro wrestler Chris Benoit strangled his wife and smothered his son before hanging himself... The orbit of the Earth is back to normal.

This Day in American History

Poking each other in the butt is now protected by the Constitution!

On June 26th, 2003, the US Supreme Court ruled in a 6-3 vote that two men that were caught in the act of sodomy after a Sheriffs Deputy had barged in for a weapons disturbance call. They were arrested under Texas state law for the act of sodomy, pleaded no contest, then appealed to the Texas supreme court calling the law unconstitutional because it only bans homosexual sodomy, not heterosexual . A medical technologist John Geddes Lawrence, then 60, and street-stand barbecue vendor Tyron Garner, then 36, took the case all the way up to the supreme court and won.

The case was a slam dunk, and all the non-asshole justices voted for it, including the justice that loooves it in the ass, Sandra Day O'Connor. "As long as they use lube and condoms, people should be able to do whatever they want in their own estate, I mean, apartment." Justice Stephen Breyer said in his opinion. The three men with the largest assholes, ironically, voted against the challenge. Clarence Thomas even called it silly, but not against the constitution, and Antonin Scalia said "If we make it legal, then it's not fun anymore! Don't you guys get it?"

Oh yes, some of us do get it.... Eww! That was gross.

Quotes from Great Americans

"Man, I wanna get fucked!"

-Helen Keller (1880-1968)

"Bong Hits 4 Jesus"? He Likes Joints Better

The Supreme Court ruled today that the kid that made this banner should have been suspended from his high school and his right to free speech was not impeded. Chief Justice John Roberts wrote "It was reasonable for (the principal) to conclude that the banner promoted illegal drug use-- and that failing to act would send a powerful message to the students in her charge."

Although this is an isolated case, this is a great example of our culture. Through out our history, the idea of "don't tread on me" has taken many forms, and continues to be the basis of our motivations as Americans. Joseph Frederick, the student that put up this banner, is not only testing his rights on free speech, but on his right to sue, make nonsense statements, be an asshole, and his right to not admit he was wrong. All traits of great Americans.

And BTW, Jesus was a total hippie. He would have taken them up on that.

This Day in American History

"On June 24th, 1976, the Missouri Governor Christopher S. Bond issues an executive order rescinding the 'Extermination Order', formally apologizing on behalf of the state of Missouri for the suffering it had caused the Latter Day Saints."

"The order was originally named 'Missouri Executive Order 44' by Missouri governor Lilburn Boggs on October 27, 1838. The order was in response to what Boggs termed 'open and avowed defiance of the laws, and of having made war upon the people of this State... the Mormons must be treated as enemies, and must be exterminated or driven from the State if necessary for the public peace—their outrages are beyond all description.'"

Oh, I chose the wrong picture.

Hijacked! Religion is being held against it's will!

"Sen. Barack Obama told a church convention Saturday that some right-wing evangelical leaders have exploited and politicized religious beliefs in an effort to sow division."

What? Nooooo. You mean that the most divided religion on the face of the planet is being more divided? And some people are using the name of god for their own personal gain? The heck you say.

Obama: Prophet? No. Capitan Obvious? Yes.

BTW, if your last name is "Obama", which sounds like "Osama", and your first name is "Barack" which sounds like "barrack", like the Marine barracks that got blown up in Lebanon back in the 80's, (and it also sounds like "Baraka", the guy with the scissor arms in Mortal Kombat), you really shouldn't be making analogies to terrorist acts. This tactic worked against Rep. Harvey D. Allahwillfuckyouup, (R - Ohio), when he compared his opponent to a "really bad bombing plot that I... I mean... A terrorist failed to complete and had to live in shame for the rest of his life".

Perez Hilton Pulled!... For Awhile At Least

For the crime of using pictures without paying for them on celeb blog site perezhilton.com.

For shame, Perez! Those hard working paparazzi have to eat their gruel somehow! Even ghouls need a roof over their horns and a nice log to perch on. We must use pictures appropriately and within the perimeters of the law.

... Ahem....

Quotes from Great Americans

"Hey Nancy, what are you doing next week?... Africa? With all those creepy kids who always have flies sucking the juice from their eyes? I need you to go on 'Different Strokes' and tell the kids that drugs are bad... Well fuck you then!"

- Ronald Wilson Reagan (1911 - 2004)

The United States: A Photographic History Part 2

This Day in American Deaths

Possibly the most revered dog in upper-middle class Americana, Moose, the dog from the hit show "Frasier", died on this day in 2002. In researching this, I also found that there were some other Americans that have died on this day. Like Ann Landers, Darryl Kile, and Fred Astaire... But the dog was way more famous than any of them.

Quotes from Great Americans

"You know, there's something missing from this, I can't put my finger on it... Sodomy! That's right! That's should be a god given right. Because if there's one thing I like besides a good zap from a bolt of lightning, it's some anal fisting action!... What?... Well fuck it then! I'm not signing it."

-Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

This Day in American History

On June 22nd, 2002, an earthquake in western Iran measuring 6.5 on the Richter scale kills more than 261 people.

I know this isn't American history, but... BAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!

The United States: A Photographic History

This Day in American History

On June 21st, 1973, the U.S. Supreme Court adopts the "Miller Test", a way courts and law makers can offically deem something as being "obscene" and cannot be protected by the first amendment.

The test works like this:

* Whether the average person, applying contemporary community standards, would find that the work, taken as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest,
* Whether the work depicts/describes, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct or excretory functions specifically defined by applicable state law,
* Whether the work, taken as a whole, lacks serious literary and/or artistic, political, or scientific value.

As an example, the above picture does not meet any of the requirements and would be considered obscene.

Boston Tea Party Was Pussy Shit!

"To avoid serving prison sentences for tax evasion, Ed Brown and his wife, Elaine, have locked themselves off from the world on their own terms. From behind the 8-inch concrete walls of their 110-acre hilltop compound, the couple taunt police and SWAT teams and play to reporters and government-haters with references to past standoffs that turned deadly."

Americans have had problems with taxes since the birth of this nation. Part of the reason we started the revolution was because of insane taxes imposed on us by the British. Like the stamp tax, the tea tax, the puffy wig tax, the slave whip tax, the sunlight tax, and the such. This man is just doing his work as an American citizen. Don't tread on him! Or his tractor!

Americans Invent and Others Make Better?

Not anymore, bitches

The Way We Help Kids WIth Cancer

By glorifying their terminal disease with video games!!

That's right, "Re-Mission is a third-person shooter that lets users fight cancer as a perky nanobot named Roxxi. Each of the game's 20 missions drops the player into the body of a patient afflicted with a specific form of cancer, ranging from common diseases like Hodgkins to rarities like Ewing's sarcoma. Featuring weapons like the Chemo Blaster, the Radiation Gun, and the Antibiotic Rocket, the game encourages users to zap malignant cells while enlisting the aid of helpful characters like Dendritic cells, T-cells and Platelets."

This is a new trend in teaching our ever-increasing ADD kids about themselves and anything that parents and doctors want to avoid telling them. It's better to plop you kids and let a video game tell them that they're dying on the inside than have to think of a way to say "well, you're fucked. And this comb isn't gonna do you no good".

Soon to be released: "HI-VICTORY!" A young boy named Vic hops in his Auto named "Immune" and fights the evil with his "Protein Blaster", only to find out that it doesn't work and the virus can only be held in place to give the person a couple of more years to live in dirt-eating poverty in Uganda.

Investigative Study: The Navy Seals

As most of you have noticed, I have been absent for the past couple of days. But alas, I was out getting the goods on one of the most elite teams of killers in the United States... The Navy SEALs.

I was invited to join them during their grueling training, and found out one conclusive fact about it... it's really, really hard.

On to the next thing. I went out on a recon mission to [censored] with the Seals to see them in action. After infiltrating [censored] and assassinating the King of [censored] we [censored] and [censored] Then I was like "Ow! My [censored]!" The Seals laughed at me. Then we [censored] I didn't mind the blood, she was still hot.

What I found was that our county is safer with this elite team of soldiers, and I will never, never, ever become a Navy SEAL.

This Day in American History: And A Conversation

On June 20th, 1963, after a tense standoff with the Soviet Union, the "Red Telephone" was established to provide a link between the White House and Moscow.

This is the actual conversation between President John F. Kennedy and Soviet premier Nikita Khrushchev right after everything had calmed down.


JK: Man! That was close!
NK: I know! What the fuck is wrong with us? I mean, we could have ended the world!
JK: Haha, yeah. Whew! That would have sucked for you guys.
NK: ...What?
JK: You know, I mean, you guys are strong and all, but co'mon.
NK: What are you trying to say?
JK: Nothing! Just that... In the conflict that we avoided, we would have totally won.
NK: WHAT? You're puny country would have totally lost! We got warheads you don't even know about!
JK: Like what?
NK: I'm not gonna say anything, but Canada's flag is mostly red.
JK: Oh no you didn't!
NK: Try me!
JK: That's it, I got the button right here!
NK: Do it!

(after this, the transmission was cut short).

TODAY IS AUTISTIC PRIDE DAY!

Lest you selfish, "normal brain" people forget, today is the day to celebrate autistic kids and adults. So break out the applesauce and helmets and be aware of this condition that has crippled the minds of many helpless, and somewhat entertaining, people.

This Day in American History

On June 17th, 1983, Sally Ride became the first American woman in space. In the post-feminist 80's, Sally's journey was not just for the woman's right to be in space, but also nag from space. "She was always like 'what are you thinking about?' When I was trying to realign the thrusters. I'm like 'nothing you stupid fucking bitch! Get the fuck off my back before I sock you in your face!" Said fellow astronaut John Fabian. Sally was the first woman to menstruate in space as well, NASA had to develop "Space Pads" for super zero gravity absorption.

Quotes from Great Americans

"I fucking hate kids."
-Walt Disney (1901-1966)

The United States: A Photographic History

Even if she wants it? And likes it rough? What's a "soever"?

Arnold to Mexicans: Watch English TV to Learn!

The Govenator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, told a gathering of Hispanic journalists that immigrants should avoid Spanish-language media if they want to learn English quickly.

Though this asshole logic might be true, it should have come from someone that has learned English as a second language AND speaks it clearly now. For Arnold to stand at a podium and speak about learning English, while mumbling through his Austrian accent that he's had for the 30+ years he has been in America is laughable to say the least.

And for the people trying to learn Spanish; Television will leave you confused and frustrated. Avoid at all costs.

Democracy: An Aquired Taste

Hamas has taken over Gaza... Yeah so? Why are you interrupting my Judge Judy time over this?

This is a prime example of how people sometimes don't like the logical, and wonderful path that Democracy paves. Some people find solace in a mindless society that goes back in time rather than progress to bigger and better things. Why accept other people and ways of doing things when you can base your governing skills on a book written thousands of years ago, force everyone to see things the same way you do, and strip away their rights and liberties to be free and think freely.

Wait, I lost track... Am I talking about crazy fundamentalist Muslims in the middle east? Or crazy fundamentalist Christians here. Is there a difference? Well, I guess they bomb things... Oh wait... Crazy Christians like to bomb abortion clinics... This is confusing... Back to Judge Judy.

This Day in American History

On June 16th, 1967, hippies converged on Monterey California for the Monterey Pop Festival. A set list of the hottest bands at the time playing in an outdoor "festival" setting. This would be the blueprint for future outdoor festivals, and etch the names of legends like Jimi Hendrix and Janice Joplin into history.

Unlike future outdoor festivals, Monterey was not for profit. This illustrated the idyllic notion that "things can be done just because of love and harmony, man... I have the munchies", stated festival organizer Lou Adler. There were no injuries, no deaths, and the The Monterey Deputy Chief of Police was quoted as saying "We've had more trouble at PTA conventions, those fucking whorebag moms can go nuts over the stupids things. 'Tater tots' and 'non-toxic this and that'. Cunts. "

Since then, like anything else influenced by the 60's outdoor festivals became corrupt and fraught with problems. Woodstock in 1969 had one death and several injuries, Live Aid in 1985 overcharged it's concert goers with signs like "what? $10 is too much for water? At least you have water, asshole". And Lest we forget Woodstock 1999, where women were raped, a riot ensued, and the most evil thing of them all, Limp Bizkit played.

The Hoff Gets The Kids

What is the lessor of two evils? A drunken mess of a father? Or... other.

Well that depends, who makes more money? How drunken are you talking about? Like shit-your-pants drunk? (Ahem). Or like beat your kids drunk? Are you gay? Loved by gays? Loved by Germans?

There's a lot us undivorced people don't know about divorces, but we know one thing over them! Not to get married to certain people.

This Day in American History

On June 15th, 1916, U.S. President Woodrow Wilson signs a bill incorporating the Boy Scouts of America, making them the only American youth organization with a federal charter.

The organization has been teaching young boys the values and skills that will make them into great Americans, like sewing, rope tying, and shunning gays. As well as a set of survival skills, just in case they get stuck out in the forest for some reason.

Conversations in American History #4: The End of the Civil War

At the beginning of April 1865, General Ulysses S. Grant's relentless pressure finally forced Robert E. Lee to evacuate Richmond, and after a nine-day retreat, Lee surrendered his army at Appomattox Court House on April 9, 1865. There, Grant offered generous terms that did much to ease the tensions between the armies and preserve some semblance of Southern pride, which would be needed to reconcile the warring sides. Within a few weeks, the American Civil War was effectively over.

This is the actual conversation between Grant and Lee at the Appomattox Court House during the South's surrender.

Grant: Okay, so this war was bad, but I think we need to start getting over it.
Lee: Agree, I say, agreed! We don't need to be a feudin' anymore.
Grant: Cool. So, you'll have to make slavery illegal.
Lee: I under, I say, I understand that part of the agreement, but there's nothing in there that says that I have to look at them, or have them around me is there?
Grant: No, I guess not.
Lee: Fine! We'll separate them from the white folk. Give em' their own drinking fountains and such .
Grant: Okay, whatever. Now we have to talk about war retributions.
Lee: The south is willing to pay what it takes. But we get to fly our confederate flag when we want, stay about sixty years behind in any sort of progressive thought, and be proud to live in squalor.
Grant: I... Okay... These are favorable terms for you?
Lee: AND we want the right to sound like hicks, put our penis in anything that walks, and, well, that's about, i say, that's about it. We need to keep our pride as southern people.
Grant: Wow, okay... So, I think we have a deal.

This Day in American History

On June 14th, 1954 President Dwight D. Eisenhower signs a bill into law that places the words "under God" to the United States' Pledge of Allegiance. Eisenhower was quoted to say

"These words [“under God”] will remind Americans that despite our great physical strength we must remain humble, at least until an opposing godless side challenges us to anything. Whether it be weapons technology or Ice Hockey, we'll show them who's cock is bigger!" He then proceeded to thrust his hips towards the podium. "Just like that! Yeah! I'm gonna shoot some Democracy all over your chest Russia!" Not used to the idea of Television, Eisenhower's advisers had to hold him back as his antics were aired on national TV.

Since then, the Godless have tried many times to take the phrase "Under God" out of the pledge of alliance. One pioneer of of the anti-god movement stated "I believe that our kids should not have to say the phrase 'under god' if they do not believe in god." The counterpoint was; "What the fuck? You 'believe'?? You're a dirty atheist! You don't believe in anything!". So the phrase stayed.

The Civil War... In An Animated GIF

Why couldn't all history be this easy? Give me convenience or give me death!... On the inside that is, not real death.

NEW!! Advice On American Culture!

Do you have a question about Americans and their wacky culture? Post your questions here or send your questions to dictator@gmail.com and I will post your answers on this page!

When you need to know, it's helpful to know the experts.

Weapons of ASS Destruction!!

Hahahahahahahahahaha... hahaha..... hahahahha..... yes... That joke was shooting fish in a barrel after reading this article about the US military experimenting with chemical weapons loaded with aphrodisiacs that would turn enemy soldiers gay.

The battle strategy was from the pre-conceived notion that gay men are so sexually charged, that they would put the act of butt fucking each other above defending themselves in battle, or the other notion that being gay is worse than being dead. It's also been scientifically proven that soldiers cannot fight with raging hard-ons, which would leave the women to fight, and we all know that women suck at war.

One word of advice to the boys at the Pentagon... gay bombs have no use on the French.

Quotes from Great Americans

"Man, I'm taking so much shit for the 'Bay of Pigs'. But I guess that's okay; it takes everyone's attention away from the fact that I like to hunt drugged hookers for sport... What?? They found a body?? Um... Wasn't there Russian missiles in Cuba? Whew!"

-Robert Strange McNamara (June 9, 1916 - Present)

This Day in American History

On June 11th, 1994, - Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were murdered outside her home in Los Angeles, California.

Due to the overwhelming evidence against him, and the cunning of Los Angeles County prosecutors Marcia Clark and Chris Darden, OJ Simpson was sentenced to life in prison. This reminded everyone that even if you're a celebrity, and can afford a stellar legal team, justice will be served...

Oh wait, that didn't happen.

The United States: A Photographic History

This Day in American History

On June 10th, 1846, The California Republic declares independence from Mexico during the Mexican-American War.

The term "We Didn't Cross the Border, the Border Crossed Us" was coined on this day as tons of angry Mexicans waved their fist in the air. "What's this?! Now were living in an economically robust nation that millions of our future generations will risk their life to immigrate to? That's fucking bullshit! I'll TAKE your resources and your government services, but I won't like them."

California has since become the 5th largest economy in the world, falling behind Japan, and Bill Gates, leaving Mexicans a bit bitter about losing such a valuable piece of land. Oh well, get over it, losers!

Space Shuttle and NASCAR

What can these two American pastimes have in common? Well, one major and very important thing.

No one will care unless something crashes.

Paris is Burning... As In Her Diseased-Ridden Vagina In Prison

If you live in a hole, and wouldn't be reading this anyway, you would know that Paris Hilton got sent back to prison after being released for "medical conditions".

Here's my take on it; Why the fuck are we caring so much? This is a disgusting display of our post-post-modern culture eating itself. A person that is famous for being famous is crying foul for not being treated fairly because she's famous? I'm confused. I join the Americn people in saying, let her rot in there until she gets out again for some other lame reason. Where's my ice cream?

This Day in American History

On April 26, 1968, Paul Robert Cohen, 19, was arrested for wearing a jacket with the words "Fuck the Draft" inside the Los Angeles Courthouse. He was convicted of violating section 415 of the California Penal Code, which prohibited "maliciously and willfully disturb[ing] the peace or quiet of any neighborhood or person [by] offensive conduct." The conviction was upheld by the California Court of Appeal, which held that "offensive conduct" means "behavior which has a tendency to provoke others to acts of violence or to in turn disturb the peace." After the California Supreme Court denied review, the U.S. Supreme Court granted certiorari.

On June 7th, 1971, The Court, by a vote of 5-4, per Justice John Marshall Harlan II, overturned the appellate court's ruling. "[A]bsent a more particularized and compelling reason for its actions," it said, "the State may not, consistently with the First and Fourteenth Amendments, make the simple public display of this single four-letter expletive a criminal offense. Plus, what am I doing? 'Engaging in mutual coitus' with my wife? No, I'm 'fucking' her. Get over it." In the opinion Justice Harlan famously wrote "one man's vulgarity is another's lyric. Like that Zeppelin song 'The Lemon Song', man! That shit is off the chain!" Led Zeppelin's II sold two million more copies that year.

In a dissenting opinion, Justice Harry Blackmun, joined by Burger and Black, suggested that Cohen's wearing of the jacket in the courthouse was not speech but conduct (an "absurd and immature antic") and therefore not protected by the First Amendment. He was swiftly booed by the rest of the justices. Potter Stewart yelled "man, you used to be cool!" And the first black justice in American history, Thurgood Marshall, shouted "Mofo! I'll slice you good! First you take my chicken, then you vote like an ass hole! I should cut you, foo!" Even Hugo Black changed his mind after the uproar; "Oh yeah, I forgot that I have a sign on my house that says 'fuck the free nigger', I really should have voted for this kid. And no, I'm not in the Klan anymore".

This paved the way for vulgarity in the United States, making it so that people across the nation could express their stupid ideas freely in any forum they wish, and offend anyone they want.

*sniff....

Fuck The English and their Language!

When the United States was cutting it's teeth as the best nation in the world, Noah Webster published his first dictionary, A Compendious Dictionary of the English Language, in 1806. In it, he introduced features that would be a hallmark of future editions such as American spellings (center rather than centre, honor rather than honour, program rather than programme, etc.) This was a big "Fuck You" to the British, basically saying; "We won the war, AND we're going to ass fuck your language, you fucking redcoats!"

This is a deep rooted American tradition, take the English Language and butcher it to no end. And like any other piece of juicy American corn-fed meat, the more you cut it, the smaller and more incohearant it becomes.

So do your part as a flag-waving American and fuck that language in the ass! But if someone comes over trying to speak their language, then you fuck them in the ass! Yes! Land of contradiction? Fuck yes.

This Day in American History

June 6th, 1944, the largest invasion in warfare history was carried out by the combined armies of the US, and two other countries against Nazi occupied...(cough)... France.

Some other shit happened after that, WW... something. 4 i think...

This Day in American History

In 1968, Presidential Hopeful Robert Kennedy was shot by Sirhan Sirhan in the kitchen of the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles. Even though Sirhan claimed to not remember any of it, his motivations seemed to be Kennedy's support of Israel.

Little is known about the altercation between Kennedy and Sirhan, but recently uncovered witness testimony states that they might have had some words before Kennedy was shot.

As Kennedy was led through the crowded kitchen, he was getting "rather pissy" says Humberto Gonzales, a bus boy at the hotel. "He was like, 'get out of my way, when I'm president, I'll nuke this fucking dump!' He was an ass." As Kennedy was being pushed, a man got in his way. "Sirhan was visiting and was staying at the hotel." One of the hotel clerks later said in an interview. "He was kind of smelly and loud, always ranting about his grandma being run over by an American tank. We just laughed at continued eating our ham sandwiches." Sirhan was trying to get out of Kennedy's way, when Kennedy lost it. He pushed Sirhan and yelled; "I said get the fuck outta my way, you fucking towelhead!" Sirhan, being a crazy Muslim, decided to challenge Robert Kennedy in a fight.

The crowd opened up, and one of Kennedy's campaign advisers handed him his nun-chucks, while Sirhan pulled out two Sais. The fight was brutal as both displayed "a level of martial arts I haven't seen since FDR did a wheelchair roundhouse to sweep Thomas Dewey into the White House 'pit-of-spikes'." Said former Secretary of Defense Robert MacNamara. As the battle climaxed, Kennedy had an ace up his sleeve. One of his advisers took aim and fired a revolver, but Sirhan, seeing the gun aimed at him, quickly flipped Kennedy on top of him, thus Kennedy took the bullet.

The second Kennedy death in a decade shook the nation, and the world of mix martial arts. As Kennedy lay bleeding on the floor, watching his staff drug Sirhan and plant the gun on him, his last words were; "And I never got to do two girls at once".

The United States: A Photographic History

A Lesson from the American Dialect Handbook: Chatting Online

We have our next lesson in how to communicate to Americans. Since the advent of the "Information Superhighway", Americans are talking to each other in short, grammatically incorrect sentences. Using programs like "AOL Instant Messenger" and "Yahoo Messenger", instant messaging is changing the way we speak to each other. Here's some tips.

ACRONYMS:
The fastest way to get an idea out is to only use the first letter of each word in the statement. Here are some commonly used acronyms.

LOL - Laugh Out Loud
BRB - Be Right Back
BFD - Big Fucking Deal
ISAP - I Strangled A Puppy
CIFFY - Can I Fist Fuck You?
WWTDJL - What's With These Dirty Jewish Lesbians?

EXPLATIVES:
Almost everything in normal writing works in chatting, but you can also mash your hand into the keyboard to show distress over something. Be careful, however, because typing random letters can work against you.

Boss: Daniel, I'm going to have to have you come in this weekend.
dictatorho1: owirjo3hKKK-FOREVERsfbspjop!!!
Boss: What was that?
dictatorho1: Oh crap...

BROKEN SENTENCES:
At the bottom of most chat windows, a message will appear that will tell you that the person you are talking to is still typing. Be sure that message is gone before you assume that the person you are chatting with is done with what they are saying.

Girlfriend: Hey, what do you think about
dictatorho1: Robots.
Girlfriend: us going out to dinner tonight?
dictatorho1: Oh.

READ BEFORE YOU TYPE:
Sometimes, you will look down on your keyboard and not realize that someone has typed something. This is as bad as not listening to someone when they are speaking to you. It's also made worse when a question is asked, so make sure you read every line before responding.

Friend: Did you get my insulin?
dictatorho1: Fuck yeah waffles rule!
Friend: What?

Kids and Guns

Ahh, the Second Amendment...

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

And what is more of a threat to the security of a free state? Pigs the size of hippos. Luckily we have trusty 11 year olds to protect us.

Now, if you don't understand American culture, you would look at this picture and cringe. What kind of country is this?? This is reminiscent of some sort of a barbarian ritual, with oversized animals being hunted by children welding shotguns to act as a rite of passage from being a fat 11 year old to a even fatter man. How could the most powerful country in the world revel in such primitive activities while promoting it's Democratic influence around the world?

Simple... Because we can, bitches. And if our 11 year olds can do this to a monster pig, just imagine what our nuke-lee-air submarines with their "End The World Five Times Before You Can Even Blink" warheads can do... I'm sorry, you were saying something about "cultural imperialism"? Buy more Brad Pitt movies and shut the hell up.

The United States: A Photographic History