They'll Get Used To It, Just Give Em' Time

"Pakistan's former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto was assassinated Thursday after addressing a large gathering of her supporters. Bhutto died of a gunshot wound to the neck, the Pakistani Interior Ministry said. The attacker then blew himself up. The bomb attack killed at least 22 others, doctors said."

Some nay sayers might say that this is a sign that the middle east isn't fit for Democracy and we're wasting valuable resources and undermining our own national security by installing Democracy in Iraq and Afghanistan. To them I say "you only fail if you give up"... well... that's what Napoleon said too, but whatever.

More Loss Of Great American Lives

And we're not talking about Iraq...

Kevin DuBrow, lead singer of the band Quiet Riot, died on November 25, 2007. Promoting a tactile version of synesthesia with the hit song "Cum On Feel The Noize" back in 1983, Kevin was found dead in his Las Vegas home. Pending an autopsy, police speculate that he did, in fact, have his "cock out".

Casey Calvert, guitarist for emo-punk-goth-screamo-folk-gospel band Hawthorne Heights, died on November 24, 2007. Not really knowing who Hawthorne Heights were, MTV reverted to interviewing a more-popular friend of Casey's, Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz. "Uh, yeah, that sucks man. I was flat-ironing my hair when I heard and I remember when me and him were like, doing stuff and I was like 'dude, who are you again?' I didn't wanna sound like a dick but... yeah. Did you see me modeling for Dolce? I was hot".

Dr. James Robert Cade died today at the all too tragic age of 80. Dr. Cade was the inventor of Gatorade, and the sports world is turned upside down. "This is worse than the death of Vin Scully", stated newly contracted slugger Alex Rodriguez. "Wait, he's still alive? Eww".

And yet, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan... Still alive. Yes, this is proof that there is no god.

Maybe Violent Video Games Are Good For Kids

Well, at least for a girl in Tucker GA. "Two men tried to kidnap the girl near Tucker Middle School Monday night, police said.The 14-year-old was on her way home from dance practice when a black van pulled up, and the men tried to grab her, Police said, adding that the girl got away when she stabbed one of the men in the arm with a pencil. The girl was not seriously hurt, police said."

Of course, the right to do was to just let the men kidnap you and take you to a far away place and have their way with you so that maybe you could either escape and write a tell-all or die and have a new kidnapping law made after you. Stabbing a guy with a pencil is wrong because violence is wrong, and you lose your victimized glory at the end. That's what our founding fathers did when... Oh wait, they didn't. They actually defeated the British and fought, with violence, to defend their principals and freedom.

So A message to the kids: Choose your violence wisely, it could mean the difference between glory or more Marylin Manson album sales.

This Day in American History

On November 18th, 1883, American and Canadian railroads institute five standard continental time zones, ending the confusion of thousands of local times.

Life before this was pretty hard for the bi-coastal traveler, as they didn't quite understand what "Train-Lag" was. "This is some fucked-ass homo shit!" Exclaimed President James A. Garfield. "I get off this train to a campaign lunch in Oregon, and I was two hours late! What the fuck is up with these homos! I didn't even know that this was a state, next thing you know, they're changing the position of the sun! Fucktards."

Don't Fuck With The Writers

Huckabee And Norris Vs. Lame Liberal Issues

Ron Paul Starting New Government

And he's starting with making currency with his likeness on it! Go Ron! I'm sick of these morons feeding me utopian lies about political systems that are "for the people". Democracy, Communism, it's all bullshit! The Roman Empire lasted 800 years and they didn't give a shit about the people. As your new constituent/lemming, I hereby pledge allegiance to your greatness and the political mandates that you preach, while smiting the people and issues you abhor!

Oh... It was a campaign stunt... Ahem...

I hereby re-align myself with the United States and it's not-so-perfect-and-okay-for-now political system.

Semper Fi.

Lohan Jailed For 84 Minutes

Yeah, yet again another celeb shows us how our justice system works. Not that she has money and was able to buy freedom, but the overcrowding of our prison system. The real losers? Two people actually. Me: She wasn't in there long enough to have some hot lesbian prison sex and write about it in a tell-all, Africa: She wasn't in there long enough to have a life changing epiphany and decide to join the celeb ranks and bring even more awareness to a place saturated with it.

My loss is more tragic though.

Editorial: What Is The Lessor Of Two Crimes?

Beating the shit out of a white kid for no good reason, or hanging nooses in an area where black kids hang out?

Well, according to the thousands of people marching today in Washington DC, it's the latter.

Mostly upset about the "Jena 6", protesters, lead by Al Sharpton and Martin Luther King III are calling on the federal government to get tougher on hate crimes. Several incidents involving noose hanging are springing up, but under current federal law, it's a state issue. Unless the build one big enough to span two states, it's out of the Fed's hands. Undaunted, and severely ignorant to the way federal law works, marchers still demanded they crack down.

My beef is not with the Jena 6, or with the people hanging nooses, it's with the "leaders" of the black community that insist on calling racism on anything they can. Obviously hanging nooses is a racist act, but to rally the way they're doing today is stupid. Al Sharpton does more to divide the races and promote racism than any noose can, and spends way too much energy fighting white people on behalf of the black people than actually doing anything to fix the problems in the black community itself. Propagating a culture of blaming your problems on everyone else does not help your people.

And for the noose hangers? They're getting the reaction they wanted. So today is lose-lose.

...

We Lost A Great American Today

Norman Mailer, American author, died today at age 84. Author of "The Naked and the Dead," "The Armies of the Night" and "The Executioner's Song," Mailer was also known for his brash personality, and for never backing down from a fight. He pissed off feminists by writing "Prisoner of Sex", and also, well, stabbing his second wife after a party. (That's actually true). Most of us know him from the articles we didn't read in Playboy, and when you go back and read them, you can tell that he knew what was going on.

"-- So as the sun sets on the mountains of Da Nang, I heard the whisper of our GI's, and they spoke to me... Wait, fuck it, no one's reading this shit anyway. Did you see the tits on the page 14 girl? Man! I would love to spray some of my napalm on that!"

A Science Lesson

This Day in American History

On November 9th, 1862, Union General Ambrose Burnside assumes command of the Army of the Potomac, after George B. McClellan is removed. This would be the general's calling card, and an important part of American fashion history. Gen. Burnside was known for having an extreme mustache, and the term "sideburns" came from him. Here's an excerpt from his 1875 biography "Fuck, Wars Suck Ass".

"I grew this stache' back in the 40's, thinking it would get me some pussy, and it worked! Girls would be like 'Mmm, that facial hair makes me want to turn into a harlot, wanna see some of my ankle?' Boom! Next thing you know, I was fisting her anus. That's where I really got the term 'sideburn', cause' I'd fist them so hard it would burn up their insides. I don't know who changed the term to be about hair on the side of your head, I think that's gay."

Are You On The Border With Mexico?

Have you witnessed the atrocities committed by Mexican drug cartels on American soil, and also noticed the insouciant nature of the Mexican and US government towards this invasion of our country? Do you feel helpless as the government and the media seem to ignore this moth gnawing at the fabric of our society??

Then e-mail the man that is doing what everyone else can't, he's making a shitfit out of nothing. His name is Glenn Beck, and he'll sensationalize your story better than anyone else!

Well, I saw this on his show last night, and he gave a special e-mail that he's setting up just for this on the show, which I can't find anywhere. So I'm gonna make it up. shitonakitten@glennbeck.com.

This Day in American History

On November 7th, 1917, In Petrograd, Russia, Bolshevik leaders Vladimir Lenin and Leon Trotsky lead revolutionaries in overthrowing the Provisional Government, and thus giving power to the Soviets.

"Hey asshole, that's not American history!" You might exclaim while eating cake frosting and watching CSI. It's true, this was a important part of Russian history, but this single event would help shape the United States we have today. Opening a new front in WW2, giving Joseph McCarthy a reason to be put in history books, inadvertently getting us on the moon, and hiring really good graphic artists to make semi-enslavement propaganda "hip" to kids today, it's a fact that without the Soviet Union, the US would be a completely different place.

ICE In Trouble Again

No, not Ice T, Ice Cube, or the man with the icy career Vanilla Ice, no we're talking about the Immigration and Customs Enforcement department's head Julie Myers. She was hosting a Halloween party when one of her guests dressed up in prison stripes, dreadlocks, and black face paint. Wen word got out that she not only let the guy have free booze, but also gave him a prize for "originality", she immediately backpedaled, apologizing for the "deeply offensive" costume and "regretting that it ever happened".

Racist humor tears at the very fabric of our society and divides us as a people... but only when white people do it. What's that smell? Oh! It's the pot of refried beans I'm making that I bought with food stamps that I don't deserve and welfare money that I mostly send to my family in Mexico. Viva La Racism!

This Day in American History

On November 5th, 1979, the Ayatollah Khomeini declares the USA to be "the great Satan" after taking hostages at the US Embassy just a day earlier. Here's a transcript of the meeting between the Ayatollah and his top adviser before the declaration.

Ayatollah: Man, I think I wrapped this towel on too tight --
Adviser: Your greatness, I have your prepared speech ready for you.
Ayatollah: Sweet! Lemmie see that... "The Great Satan"? I think that's bad grammar.
Adviser: Well, you will be speaking in Farsi, not English.
Ayatollah: Ah, good point... But I like "Country of Fat Homo Bitch-Fucks" better.
Adviser: ... Um... Okay, well, this will stir up more anger within the fundamentalist community.
Ayatollah: Really? "The Great Satan"? I guess you're right. Get the Jimmy Carter effigies ready, we're about to start a Greehad on these mother --
Adviser: -- It's "Jihad", sire.
Ayatollah: Whatever.

The Writer's Strike Will Not Affect The American Culture

Thou we are totally cool and stuff with the writers, we'll be all up on this shit yo! Well, some of our peeps have to go hold those sign things, so we had to bring in some amateurs to write our stuff until the wga and producer's come to a more better agreeance. Yeah... that's all...

This Day in American History

On November 4th, 1964, Lyndon Baines Johnson is elected as the thirty-sixth president of the United States of America after finishing out the term left (by force, some will say) by John F. Kennedy. This would prove to be a hectic term for LBJ; the start of the Vietnam war, sending national guard troops to a schools in the segregated south to allow black children to sit the same classes as the white children, (and thus creating Eminem), and a propensity for teabagging transsexual hookers, defined his presidency. Although hated amongst conservative ranks for his spending, the botched war effort, and his inability to get the hooker to bring him a pizza (mastered by Bill Clinton), LBJ stood the test of history as one of the greatest presidents of all time.

Cultural Assimilation Is A Bad Thing?

Not this guy! Stuck in a prison and about to be deported, Francisco Castaneda had to have his penis amputated due to a severe bout of cancer. In a last-ditch effort to show that he's all about being an American, he decided to sue. "Government officials imposed a death sentence on Mr. Castaneda, without benefit of judge or jury, by their failure to provide a simple and inexpensive diagnostic procedure to rule out a life-threatening disease," said his attorney, Conal Doyle. The decision to sue was brought to Fransisco, who was rather surprised that you can do that here in the United States. "Really? I can sue for this? Wow! You know, I spilled some coffee on my lap a while back and it burned me really bad, can I sue for that too? I can! Awesome!"

This Day in American Birthdays

1808 - John Taylor, one of the founding fathers... of the Church of Latter-Day Saints. Known for coming up with the idea of making his people ride around on bikes and annoy the crap out of Americans.
1942 - Larry Flynt, American magazine publisher, and mortal enemy of the institution mentioned above.
1949 - Michael D. Griffin (pictured), NASA chief administrator. Known for being a barrel of laughs around the clean room.
1957 - Lyle Lovett, American singer. Creepy creepy creepy.
1958 - Charlie Kaufman, American screenwriter. Brillant brillant brillant.
1975 - Bo Bice, American singer, and barely worth mentioning.
1979 - Coco Crisp, American baseball player, and breakfast cereal spokesperson.

God Hates Fags... And Convoluted Protest Meanings

A federal jury in Baltimore, Maryland, Wednesday awarded $10.9 million to a father of a Marine whose funeral was picketed by members of a fundamentalist church carrying signs blaming soldiers' deaths on America's tolerance of homosexuals. The Westboro Baptist Church, based out of Topeka Kansas, has to pay the family of Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder the insane sum after it was deemed that they intended to inflict "emotional harm" while they demonstrated Matthew's funeral. The reason for the protest? The Iraq war is God's way of punishing the United States of America for being so lenient on homosexuals, so the soldier deserved to be killed because he was fighting for a country full of people they consider to be "fag enablers", so they should be able to protest a funeral because... Okay, I lost the reason already. Find out on your own.

This Day in American History - Halloween Edition

October 31st is a revered day in American Culture, since it's the day of Halloween. One in many pagan holidays, Halloween is a special one. Unlike Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter, this is the one holiday where you don't have to give a shit about anyone. Even compared to the non-pagan holidays, Halloween is the most selfish and hedonistic holiday we have. "I get so sick of caring about people when I get a holiday off work" says dock foreman Don Berman of Dayton, OH. "Let's be thankful for this, buy gifts for that, then celebrate some dead guy, Jesus, or veterans! Fuck, I just want to get trashed in a stupid costume and steal my kid's candy, so don't tread on me!" Semper Fi my friend, Semper Fi.

Spammers Go To Jail!

Finally! We have a reason to cheer as the phantom e-mail menace has a face. Two men were sentenced to five years in prison for sending millions of e-mails under a new law. The kitty is happy.

Oh, and if you have been getting e-mail about visiting The American Culture, you can unsubscribe here.

Missile Defense Talks Hit A Snag

Well, "snag" meaning "Russia". President Vladimir Putin mocked Secretary of State Condi "Man I Need To Get Fucked" Rice yesterday by scoffing at our plans to build missile defense systems in eastern block nations. We need them just in case Iran fires missiles at us, Russia thinks we're stupid, and Iran is in the background laughing at the fact that they were able to make us flinch. World politics is now resembling high school politics, and here are the players.

UNITED STATES = Good looking asshole jock who pushes people around then complains when someone keys his car.

IRAN = The holier-than-thou religious zealot kid who cries discrimination every chance he gets but systematically drops hints of violent retaliation while sitting alone at lunch.

RUSSIA = Formerly an asshole jock, rivaling the US, Russia is now the defeated jock kid who now has to submit to the social order of the schoolyard.

All we need are some catchy songs, and Vanessa Hudgens, and we got a hit!

The Bullshit Train Rides Again!

U.S. Marshals seized $75,000 worth of supplements advertised as cures for such conditions as anemia, diabetes, and high blood pressure. They were mostly selling Charantea Ampalaya in capsule and in tea forms and saying they were miracle cures. Though this is tragic, it is very common amongst our culture.

But like any red-blooded Americans, we here at The American Culture will be exploiting this to it's full extent! We are announcing our miracle elixir "Lazyassitol"! With the right blend of the the Moron Maximus flower, which is only found on the south side of the Ural Mountains during the Vernal Equinox, and the Stupidious Fatassious plant gathered from the luscious hanging gardens of Atlantis, we have created a medicine that can cure everything! Cancer, heart failure, AIDS, the common cold, decapitation, abnormal lobster-claw growth, old age, erectile dysfunction, and most importantly... I will grow your hair back if you're bald. The government, or as we like to call them, them "The Buzzkill Brigade" doesn't want you to have this potion! Why? Because they have the hands of the pharmaceutical industry firmly up their ass and flapping their mouth like a puppet. They want you to be sick so they could make more money! What opportunist bastards! BUT! For 6 easy payments of 29.95, you can have a bottle of this banned medicine and tell the FDA to suck a fat cock!

And watch out... the "Secret"... our cryptic self-help book will knock the shit out of your congested meat-filled colon! "I Fucking Rule, The Book" will show you how to be a bad ass in today's society just by repeating the phrase "I Fucking Rule". "Hey boss, I need a raise because I Fucking Rule". "My brain is hemorrhaging? Pfft, that's pussy shit! Give me 5min and that'll stop because I Fucking Rule!" "Bloodless coup turning into a bloody coup? Yeah, whatever, those homos need to realize that I Fucking Rule! Literally that is".

Even Horribly Bad Mothers Deserve A Fifth Chance

Especially when they feel they deserve everything regardless of their actions. Don't change for the world! Make the world change for you! God bless America! :)

The Armenian Genocide Debate

Yesterday, congress passed a bill declaring that the U.S. officially recognizes the deaths of 1.5 million Armenians by the Ottoman Empire (now Turkey) as "Genocide". Many historians and scholars have already come to this conclusion, and most countries across the globe have officially stated that they believe that this was the first act of genocide in the 20th century. Turkey, however, denies this claim, and opposes any such claim. Being that we rely heavily on Turkey for our military operations in Iraq and abroad, President Bush vetoed the bill saying that this was not the right way to recognize the tragedy.

Most people around the world are outraged at the decision, and at Turkey's abhorrent attitude toward the subject. But being exposed to modern Armenian culture here in the United States, you can see why no one here really cares. Give them food stamps and Rolexes or give them death!

Organic Food Is Lame

$5 for an irregular shaped apple? Fuck that. You trust science to save your life when shit goes bad, why not trust it to grow your food? Los Angeles restaurants are now exclusively buying from local farmers, making the produce they cook with way more fresh and cost effective. All we have to say here at the American Culture is... fucking duh!

This Day in American History

On October 7th, 1976, President Gerald Ford signs a legislation allowing women to apply for admission to the U.S. military academies. The largely progressive move was panned by conservatives who get turned off by strong women, and who thought that the national pie supply would go into severe shortage. "If we got bitches fighting wars, who's gonna get me my key lime with whipped cream? Don't expect me to do it, I can barely hold this pen." Bellowed then Kansas Senator Bob Dole. Since then, women have flourished in the high ranks of the military, bringing a set of skills that men are just not good at. Like complaining about stuff and making bathrooms smell good.

It's Been A While

But I'm back in action... Or inaction... Whatever. Bookmark and enjoy!

This Day in American History

On August 3rd, 1997, Microsoft buys $150 million worth of shares of financially troubled Apple Computer, thus saving the company and helping it take off into the computer superpower it is today.

The popular commercials featuring John Hodgeman as a PC and Justin Long as a mac were a bit different then.

"Hi, I'm a Mac."
"And I'm a PC"
"PC, I need to ask you a favor."
"What is it, Mac?"
"Well, since our elitist company model didn't quite coincide with the needs of every day computer users, our company has hit some serious finical troubles. Can you buy some of our stock?"
"Well, I guess I can, Mac, but I can't buy too much because the FTC will come down hard on me. But, if I only buy 150 million, and we'll set it up so that you're the 'cool people' computer company and sell over-priced, dumbed-down models to artistic blow hards and general wine-sipping assholes, we'll say that we're competing with each other!"
"Great! The transmission in my Jetta went out. This is really gonna help my Ikea addiction as well."

Why We Care About Miners

... Actually, I can't answer that question. If you spend a lifetime digging a hole in the ground and crawling into it, you're gonna get trapped every once in a while. Does an exterminator complain if he gets some weird chemical-induced cancer? No. It's all part of the job.

And way to go CNN! This is the picture that they posted on their website when this story broke. Wow... I feel like I'm there!!

Bridge Collapse Hits Home

We here at The American Culture are not immune to the tragedies that effect Americans. The creator of this blog, Daniel Chavez, was almost killed in the bridge collapse that happened yesterday in Minnesota.

"I had to stop and get gas" Daniel said in an interview earlier today. " If I would have spent $25 instead of $35, and trekked 2769 miles to Minnesota from Los Angeles for some reason, I would have been killed!"

God shines his beacon on humankind only in times of great peril, and Daniel was able to bask in some of that light.

Headline Of The Week

"Athlete's Foot: The New Airport Terrorist Threat?"

- Live Science.com

I'm not even going to bother to read it.

R Kelly: Singer? Or Statutory Ape?

It's finally going down, R Kelly's trial for having sex with a minor is gonna happen.

LET'S GET READY TO GRUMBLE!!

Whoopi Joins The View

"Whoopi Goldberg was introduced as the show's latest co-host Wednesday, joining Barbara Walters, Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck on the panel of ABC's hit daytime show."

We here at The American Culture are taking a pool right now. For $5 you can choose one of these options.

- Whoopi gets in fist fight with Hasselbeck and loses a dreadlock within one month.
- Whoopi realizes how stupid women really are when they are asked their opinion. Will quit in disgust in 3 months.
- Whoopi will grow annoyed at Joy's monotone humor and finally say "SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOUR STUPID GAY-ASS HUSBAND". Leaves within a year.
- Whoopi, using her night vision senses, finally captures and kills Arnold Schwarzenegger in the jungles of Central America. Despite his application of mud to prevent such an instrument for seeing him. She's out within 2 years.

Another Politician Taking Public Funds For Private Use

Wow, and I thought it didn't make sense that the Alaskan Wildlife fund needed 22 billion for the "Save The Brown Beaver" project, or 17 billion for the "Need More Bitches Here" initiative. Hmmm.

This Day in American History

On July 31st, 1976, NASA releases the famous "Face on Mars" photo. This would be the "smoking gun" to many ufologists, otherwise known as "brain dead morons".

"This is the surest sign of intelligent life since Lowell's discovery of their canal system." Said lonely person Howard Anderson. "I know scientists have since discovered that the canals were dried up and not caused by intelligent life, and there's tons of scientific evidence to suggest that intelligent life did not exist on mars at all... but what do scientists know?? Besides spending their life studying one subject to the point of being an expert. Pfft, that's overrated." He said as he stroked one of his many cats.

The face has since been re-photographed from a different angle and it has been revealed that it is nothing more than a pile of dirt. Once again showing that it doesn't matter how smart people think you are, you can still be a dipshit.

Bonds Two Away From Breaking All-Time Record

When an asshole like Bonds breaks a cherished record like this, we realize... Wait... What does this matter anyway? Baseball's fucking boring... Unless you're drunk.... Which I am... But it's still boring.

Math Is Cool!

Danica McKellar is coming out with a book entitled "Math Doesn't Suck".

No, but pretty faces like hers do suck... MY COCK!!

Hahaha, had to do that...

Anyway, the book is meant to encourage girls that being smart is okay, and not to emulate the Paris/Nicole/Lindsey/Britney/Hilliary lifestyle of excessive partying, drug use, and the dependency of a man to further your own ambitions.

I, personally, would marry Danica in a heartbeat. Smart girls are hot, and will always be hot. Hotter than any socialite/model/whore any day.

Can't Beat Em', Sue Em!

The statement above is as ingrained into the American Culture as "Don't Tread On Me" and "I Like Big Butts". Cities across the country are now suing gang members who terrorize local communities, propagating our litigious society even further.

Pandas Are Fucking Stupid

Panda cub Mei Sheng is in San Diego before he returns to China.

BFD. Pandas are the most evolutionarily vapid animal on the planet. There's only a few of them, but they have fussy mating and eating habits. I say kill them off. What's the fuss about these stupid animals anyway? They're the homos of the animal kingdom.

This Day in American History

On July 25th, 1898, The United States invasion of Puerto Rico begins with U.S. troops landing at harbor of Guánica, Puerto Rico during the Spanish-American War.

A long forgotten war, the Spanish-American war was a result of the explosion of the USS Maine off the coast of Cuba. Many people believed that the Spanish military was responsible for this atrocity and the US declared war on Spain shortly after.

The war was fought in proxy areas, like the Philippines and Puerto Rico, and ended up with the US gaining PR and Guam as territories. Historians now believe that the explosion on the Maine was not Spanish terrorism but a faulty system of keeping live ammo aboard the ship, resulting in the explosion.

Because of that false accusation, Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony, Rosie Perez, and a horde of no-talent ghettofied people have flooded our culture and our sports. Who knows, maybe because of 9-11, a few decades from now, we'll be shooting AK-47s in the air and eating baked children. Ahh, the balance of life.

You Tube Debates

Yesterday marked a first in American politics, when CNN and You Tube joined forces to allow the voters to ask questions directly to the Democratic presidential candidates through videos posted on You Tube.

Here are some highlights from this enlightening display of American Democracy at work.

XcoreisradX: Uh, hey... This one is for the chick president, um... What do you think about, like, girls being able to have sex for money legally, and like being in the military and stuff?

Clinton: Well... I don't think that women should be encouraged to have sex for money, but if there's anyone that is selling their principles for money it's the Republicans! (crowd cheers). And we Democrats are united in cleaning up Washington! Besides that, women shouldn't be allowed in the military, we suck at fighting wars.

Babiebooty233: Dis one goin' out to that fine ass black man Obama! When you gonna hit me up boo? I'll be real good to you! Look at dis booty! Mmmm, it's just watin for yo big black --

Obama: Who's screening these? This one should be sent to my personal inbox... No, I can't step away from this podium.

ORiley8766: I heard that Democrats like to shit on babies, is this true? Or has your team of historical revisionists and media conglomerates covered up the truth about liberals and their infant-defecating ways?

Kucinich: I have never once not deificated on an infant... What's a double negative?

One More Ciminal Off The Street

And away from making any more movies. God bless America.

This Day in American History

On July 23rd, 1968, In Cleveland, Ohio, a violent shootout between a Black Militant organization led by Ahmed Evans and the Cleveland Police Department occurred. During the shootout, a riot began that lasted for five days. This would later be known as the "Glenville Shootout".

Learning the lessons of this tragic event, police departments across the nation stepped up efforts to ease racial tensions within their communities. Law enforcement-based riots became a thing of the past as police treated people with respect and... oh... that didn't happen.

Holy Fucking Shit!

"Vice President Dick Cheney will serve as acting president briefly Saturday while President Bush is anesthetized for a routine colonoscopy, White House spokesman Tony Snow said Friday."

Many biblical scholars are up in arms. "This is closer to revelations than any other event in human history". Dick Cheney is already changing the pen holder in the oval office and figuring out how he could invade Iran, Syria, Madagascar, Ohio, and Luxembourg before Bush wakes up.

My prediction, Bush isn't waking up. That's it, we're done for. Bush doesn't wake up, Dick is president, and he'll find a way to take over. This was his plan all along people... The end is near...

Lohan Surrenders To Police

"Lindsay Lohan turned herself in to face charges of driving under the influence in connection with the Memorial Day weekend hit-and-run crash that sent her into rehab." This was after she had a birthday blast in Vegas.

Message to kids: Nothing comes before a good party, not even the law, or self respect, or anything else that takes "work" to do.

Semper Fi.

The Difference Between The US And Canada

At least the stupid shit we waste valuable scientific time on is somewhat cool. Like Viagra and Battle Bots. The Canadians make computers that play checkers.

"Canadian researchers report they have 'solved' checkers, developing a program that cannot lose in a game popular with young and old alike for more than a thousand years. 'The program can achieve at least a draw against any opponent, playing either the black or white pieces,' the researchers say in this week's online edition of the journal Science."

This Day in American History

On July 19th, 1973, the US Senate passes the War Powers Act, limiting the ability of the President to wage war without the approval of Congress.

A fruitless act, mostly for political theater, since most Presidents learn how to circumvent congress like an immigrant bypassing a useless wall. When there's a war to be had, a war there will be.

Maybe The Terrorists Are Right

There is going to be a holy war... But It'll be Christian V. Christian.

"Instead of taking offense at a recent Vatican statement reasserting the primacy of the Roman Catholic Church, evangelicals should seize the chance to respond with equal candor that 'any church defined by the claims of the papacy is no true church,' according to a prominent Southern Baptist leader. The Rev. R. Albert Mohler Jr., president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, wrote on his blog that he appreciated the document’s clarity in voicing a key distinction between Catholics and Protestants over papal authority."

"The Roman Catholic Church is willing to go so far as to assert that any church that denies the papacy is no true church. Evangelicals should be equally candid in asserting that any church defined by the claims of the papacy is no true church."

Jesus Christ himself was heard to remark on these latest developments in Christian news. "Seriously, did I say anything about any of this?? NO! You people don't listen! That's it, I'm delaying the second coming by another thousand years. Maybe you'll get over yourselves by then. Where's my ice cream?"

Michael Vick Sleeps In Dog House

You can take the boy out of the brain-dead backwoods, but you can't make his brain come back to life. Atlanta Falcon Michael Vick was recently arrested and indicted on charges of conducting illegal dogfights at his Atlanta mansion.

"I thought it was legal" Vick was heard to remark. "I mean, I earn millions sacrificing my body and risking severe injury in pointless displays of barbaric tirades, why can't dogs do it as well? I mean, has the bombastic idea of animal cruelty permeated our society so insidiously that we would rather be spectators of human barbarism than let our canine companions take part in the sport?"

(This quote was severely doctored by Vick's publicist, this was the original quote).

"Fuckin' dawgs belong to me so I shoud do what I want wit dem'. Man, this shit is fucked up, man. Fuck the law! Fucking nigga-ass homos takin my shit, fuck."

Update From The Road

I'm out on the road doing an expose on the culture of the Midwest. A full report will come tomorrow.

Lady-Bird johnson R.I. motherfucking P.

An icon of American history was laid to rest this week. Lady-bird Johnson, the wife of former President Lyndon Baines Johnson, passed away this week of natural causes.

We here at The American Culture want to pay tribute to one of the finest first-ladies America has ever had.

...

But we don't know that much about her, and reading is out of the question. So here goes.

Lady-Bird Johnson, I'd do her in a heartbeat. (1912 - 2007)

This Day in American History... The Most Boring Day Ever

Yes, you read right. Nothing of any significance happened on this day in any era of American history. Just to prove it, this is what I had to choose from when doing this blog.

# 1943 - In Joplin, Missouri, George Washington Carver National Monument becomes the first United States National Monument in honor of a black American.
# 1954 - The central region of the United States suffers extremely hot weather, with the temperature reaching 118° F (48° C) in Warsaw and Union, Missouri, and 117° F (47° C) in East St. Louis, Illinois, setting new all-time state record high temperatures.
# 1965 - Mariner 4 flyby of Mars takes the first close-up photos of another planet.
# 1966 - In Chicago, Richard Speck murders eight student nurses in their dormitory.
# 1967 - Eddie Mathews becomes the seventh member of the 500 home run club with a home run at Candlestick Park in San Francisco, California off San Francisco Giants pitcher and future fellow Hall of Fame member Juan Marichal.
# 1968 - Exactly one year to the date of teammate Eddie Mathews' 500th carrer home run, Hank Aaron becomes the eighth member of said club with a home run off Mike McCormick of the San Francisco Giants at Atlanta Stadium in the state capital of Georgia.
# 1992 - A major fire consumes an entire city block in tourist destination Gatlinburg, Tennessee, destroying the "Ripley's Believe It Or Not!" Museum and several other local businesses and attractions in the process.
# 1995 - The MP3 format was named.

This is like one night of local news, nothing worth mentioning. To all you law makers and history changers out there, July 14th is wiiide open!

Another One Bites The Dust...

"A jury today convicted former media mogul Conrad Black of criminal fraud and obstruction of justice but declared him not guilty of racketeering. Black had been accused of pilfering $60 million in payments that should have benefited his former newspaper company and its shareholders"

The rich are falling! Watch out shady rich people, if you get caught doing your number fudging and trickery, we'll take you down! Well, only for a few years... if that... and you'll keep all the money you bilked, as well as the money you already have... *sigh*